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And some things never change

2012-01-24T13:36:00.002-07:00

My last post was all about change! My whole life is changing! And yet, sometimes, some things also never change.

Like my terrible sleeping habits.

Despite all of the good things about my new profession, it has been decidedly terrible for my already less-than-normal sleep schedule.

Take last night for example. I was awake until roughly 6:30 am. Now, to be fair, I had slept in until about 11 am the previous morning- but that is not unusual for me, it's even a bit on the early side for me to be "awake" on a day off.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I would really LOVE to be a morning person. I would. Get up early, full of energy, tackle the day, GET THINGS DONE! The world seems to operate on a schedule catered to morning people. This does not seem to be in my genetic make-up, sadly. I love late nights, and to a certain degree, I love sleeping in late. I love sleeping in general and napping I have a special love for. It always feels so luxurious to sleep (but especially to nap), like a guilty pleasure. And yet, when I sleep in I always feel like a good part of my day is wasted- poof! Gone! (I know, it is gone.) So I wake up already with a mild sense of self-loathing and tend to accomplish very little when I don't have to be anywhere at a specific time.

I want to change this, really I do. I have no idea how to realistically do so with my current crazy schedule.

I know all about sleep hygiene. It's completely useless in my situation. There are days when I've got to be up before 4am for work (earlier, sometimes, when taking various time zones into consideration), other days I might not start my work day until late in the evening. There is no basis for creating consistency for when to go to bed or wake up. So, I don't. Some days I'm well rested and feel ready to conquer the world (about 10 days per year). Most days I'm a miserable tired mess, just muddling through, barely surviving.

Sadly, in the last year or so, I have actually noticed that napping is starting to interfere with my night-time sleep. It previously didn't seem to. This is both sad, and maybe a step forward. I TRY not to nap any longer, but there are days when I simply can't function without one. I'm trying to push myself through my tiredness more days than not now and refuse the urge to nap, hoping I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour. Sometimes it works; other times, 10pm, 11pm, 1am roll by and I'm still awake, despite the denial of a nap earlier.

Why can't I sleep? I really don't know. Sometimes it's stress, my mind ruminating, refusing to shut down, ignoring my rational pleas for sleep. Last night it was wedding stuff. After 3 hours of TRYING to sleep, I gave up and tried to start making lists of the things I need to remember to do with regard to the wedding. This culminated in a list with over 45 items "to-do" that had been previously bouncing around my head. Whew! That's done. Guess what? I still didn't feel drowsy. So I cleaned out my email... then, feeling ridiculous for still being awake, I tried to go to sleep again. It worked, after waiting roughly another 90 minutes for sleep.

My terrible sleep habits and routine late risings make me feel like I'm a terrible pet parent too. I worry that it might be the cause of Teddie's eating difficulty or sometimes resistance to eat her breakfast, because she lacks a normal feeding schedule. It makes me terrified of having children...

So, that's me today. Tired, frustrated, and disappointed that even though I slept until nearly noon that I got less than 6 hours of sleep.

The Only Thing Constant is Change

2011-11-12T14:04:00.001-07:00

Boy, isn't that title the truth?! That seems especially true of my life recently.

You will have seen in my last post that I have embarked upon a new job? That was also before I successfully completed training for that new job. I did, in fact, graduate from FA training on 9-13-11! It was a rather intense 4 weeks filled with tests and studying. After graduation I completed my inflight test, which I also passed! So I have been a fully FAA qualified FA for almost 2 full months now. I won't lie, it has had its ups and downs (ha, ha) literally and figuratively. I'm hoping the downs are truly just to this season of the year and low flight schedules...

The biggest, most significant change, however, came in my personal life. On October 4, 2011, my wonderful boyfriend of nearly 8 years asked me to be his wife! The proposal was quiet, sweet and romantic at home. It was perfect (and truly a surprise) complete with him on one knee and The Blue Box of my romantic teenage dreams! I, naturally, said "YES!" and we have been wedding planning since. Trying to plan a wedding in just about 7 months seems to be a challenge! Hopefully soon we will make some headway. My new work and his already hectic schedule complicate planning things just a bit.

The engagement and pending wedding have really added fuel to my dieting fire! The very morning after we became engaged I signed up for Weight Watchers (again). I am determined to lose a significant amount of weight before my wedding. I think this is an excellent source of motivation, but I am terrified that I will not meet my goal. I am also experiencing a real dilemma about wedding gown purchasing because of this. My problem? I don't want to purchase a wedding gown in the size that currently fits me. I'm hoping to lose a minimum of 40 lbs before my wedding, and most wedding gowns can only be altered down 2 sizes. I'm hoping to reduce my size from between 2-4 sizes smaller (which is a lofty goal, I know), and I'm afraid that if I do reach my goal a dress that currently fits will then not be fixable to the size I will need. I know most people advise against buying a wedding dress smaller than ones current size, and I understand why. How horrible to purchase a dress that is too small to wear on your wedding day! I'm considering doing it anyway though. I know that I will be miserable seeing wedding pictures of myself at my current weight, and frankly, that is not the lasting wedding memory that I want. I also think that having such a finite goal and deadline will add an element of discipline to my eating and exercise habits that have previously been lacking. So, am I crazy? Stupid? Naive? Probably. But I'm sure I'd stop eating altogether if it meant I were going to fit into my wedding dress (That is not my plan though! I will currently refer to that as "Plan B.").

Any advice out there- diet/exercise/weight loss, wedding planning, or other?

Hello Again

2011-08-24T20:33:00.000-06:00

Hello again my poor, neglected blog!

The year has flown by with little thought of writing anything down! I should really make a more concerted effort to keep things updated, but well, life just seems to get in the way!

Life has been full of changes this year! I moved out of my tiny condo and into a HUGE house with an incredible yard for Teddie! This house came along with new roommates, in the form of my big brother (recently retired from 20 years of service in the Air Force) and his wife and their dog Dude.

After MONTHS of searching for a new job, I was offered 2 jobs within 24 hours of each other! After an agonizing week of lists of pros and cons, I went with my gut and took a big scary leap into a new career as a Flight Attendant for Frontier Airlines! So, I've quit my old primary gig and taken a leave of absence from my more part-time-ish gig (to see if it can still fit into this new life, or not)! I'm currently about a week and a half into my four and a half weeks of Flight Attendant (FA) training- and let me just say that this is MUCH HARDER THAN IT SEEMS! I'll talk more about this later...

I completed my FIRST RACE on August 21st! I ran (jogged occasionally, and walked a lot) the Warrior Dash in Copper Mountain (a 5k, essentially, with a bunch of obstacles added in- at roughly 10,000 ft!)! It was hard, muddy and fun! My goal was only to finish without stopping- which I did. Considering the almost zero training that I did, I'm ok with having finished in 1 hour and 13 minutes.

Teddie is gradually growing into a "good" girl, but some days it is very uphill work. I was incredibly lucky to be able to take her to work with me for 5 months, and am now lucky to have a roommate who is home almost all day, every day while I'm gone. She's still naughty, energetic and stubborn, but improving.

This is about all of the check-in time I can muster at the moment, I've got to get back to studying, but I'll try to be more regular. I know that I HATE it when the blogs that I enjoy reading are updated infrequently (don't they KNOW that I rely on that entertainment?!), though, I have no idea if anyone besides me really sees this ;)

Puppy!

2011-02-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

My life has been taken over by a tiny, toothy little tyrant.

She's adorable.

She's awful (Oh so naughty).

Her name is Theodora Tonks. Or, Teddie, as we refer to her (and she responds to).

In the (almost) 8 weeks that she has been in our lives she has transformed from this:

To this:

And this:

Don't let that face fool you! Oh yes, she's cute! But she is quite easily the naughtiest puppy I've ever owned.

We were completely deceived. When we adopted her she was the sweetest, cuddliest, sleepiest puppy on the planet. She slept in her crate without a peep the first night. The next day (and from then on) she has been a whirling dervish that was bred with a Tasmanian Devil (that never tires).

She's quite a little comedian. She's smart. She's busy. She's wild.

Despite the lack of sleep and the energy that she sucks from me, I'm so glad that this little fluff ball has joined the family. I'm confident that eventually she will spend more than an hour without serving a time-out (in her crate) and I'm hoping that someday she will enjoy a good cuddle.

Thankful

2010-11-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

I told him on Thanksgiving Day, but...

I'm really, truly thankful for my amazing boyfriend. It's incredible to feel like I've finally found someone who is my partner in life, completely. There is nothing that I can't come to him with, nothing he would refuse me (and I him). I am so excited for all of the things that our future holds!

I'm thankful for the wonderful family that I was able to spend Thanksgiving with, which was both my family and his. It feels so comforting to feel like his family has really embraced me as one of their own, like I belong.

I'm thankful for the family that I love very much that I wasn't able to spend the day with too. They were still in my thoughts, even if they weren't at my table.

A Dream Has Died

2010-11-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's official. Prince William is engaged.

I know. Terrible news.

As a little girl, I always dreamed that I'd marry Prince William. We were the same age, he was cute, he was a Prince, sexy accent. It was all perfect. I knew that if we were ever to meet that he would instantly fall in love with me.

I was even in London, at Prince Charles' residence on Williams 16th birthday. Alas, we didn't meet. Why didn't I study abroad in Scotland in college?!

I usually never get wrapped up in media stories like this, but I can't help but admit I think this is a bit exciting. I think they're an adorable couple, she's very pretty, and I hope they really do have a great, untroubled life.

Late Night Politics

2010-11-05T01:36:00.000-06:00

It's interesting that the religious right-wing (Republicans, usually) is adamantly against abortion, and yet are frequently pro-death penalty and against gun control? It seems inconsistent that they place such a high value on life, but only before it enters the world. And that this same group is often the ones voting against keeping all of these precious lives healthy through measures such as health care for all, because that crosses the line into too much government interference in peoples' private lives (but we want to control your reproductive life!).

Hmm...seems very inconsistent to me.

Good Intentions

2010-10-24T04:17:00.000-06:00

I really do have good intentions to blog frequently. I even dream up posts in my head while going about my day or doing this or that. But...clearly, these rarely become reality. The funny thing is that I love reading blogs where there are frequent, if not daily posts. I get annoyed when it's been awhile since my favorites have updated. I'm a terrible blog lurker, but have recently begun to publicly "follow" some because I know it's sometimes nice to know someone out there is listening. Hello and thanks to my first public follower! I love having a little glimpse now and then into your sweet world :)

I've been struggling a lot lately. Facing a lot of big decisions, both self-inflicted and life-inflicted. To be honest life has just been hard lately and I'm not quite keeping up the way I'd like to.

I've been debating, as I'm sure most bloggers do, just how much to share openly in this online world. Less of this is due to privacy concerns than it is to my own self esteem and the idea of feeling emotionally vulnerable, which is something that I tend to avoid among even my closest circle. I know a ton of people don't read my blog (I think), but I know that I'm not entirely anonymous either. Part of me wants to let it all come rushing out, and the other part wants desperately to keep the blankets over my head!

Summer

2010-08-10T21:19:00.000-06:00

How can my summer be nearly gone?!

This summer has been...interesting.

I've had fun and done some great things, but in my personal life I've had a lot on my plate.

The highlight of the summer has definitely been the trip to Florida. My boyfriend and I went to Universal Studios, but more specifically, we went for Infinitus 2010 and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Yes, we went to a Harry Potter conference. Yes, we are that big of dorks when it comes to Harry Potter. And it. Was. Awesome. Fantastic! Totally worth it! And we are already trying to plan for LeakyCon 2011 next year in Orlando. More about that trip to follow, it definitely deserves its own post with lots of pictures.

At the end of July we took our annual camping and whitewater rafting trip for my boyfriends birthday. Camping was a ton of fun, we met up with some friends and had a great spot to camp at. Rafting was nice, but not the excitement that I usually prefer. We did get to see a bald eagle on our rafting trip, which was exciting- my boyfriend had never seen one before- I haven't seen one since my last trip to Alaska. I also saw an antelope, it was beautiful, I've never seen a wild one before!

Those have been our "big" events, but it seems like every weekend has been filled with some family or friend obligation or another. I've had very little true down-time, which is a bit disappointing.

Needless to say, I'm not ready for the summer to end. I love the nice weather and long days. I love not being burdened with both school and work. I haven't accomplished pretty much anything that was on my mental to-do list.

I've been struggling a lot with some personal issues, and I'm actively trying to get things under control, or at least work through them. This is not easy, and I'm sure that it will not be a quick process, but one that will hopefully pay off in the end.

I'm very conflicted about whether to continue my schooling at the moment. I am just so tired. Tired of juggling school and work. Tired of being a student. Tired of all of the work and energy and time that school requires. Of course, I would much prefer to just be a student and not work, but unfortunately, that isn't currently an option. Additionally, in the back of my mind is always my internal debate about the time and money to get my masters degree when I have a very strong desire to someday be a stay-at-home mom. Is it worth it? Is it better to do that now or later after my (future) children are in school? Of course, I know that schooling is easier to complete without a family to worry about or juggle. But, if I take on all of this schooling and training and student loan debt, I won't really have the option to be the stay-at-home mom that I would like to be. If anyone else has dealt with a similar situation or decision, I'd love to hear from you and how you made your decision.

So, in a nutshell, that's been my summer. It has been both great and fun and relaxing and also not everything (or as long as) I'd hoped it would be.

Be Thankful

2010-06-13T20:38:00.000-06:00

Today, while I was unfortunately working, I was powerfully touched by the story of one of the nurses I was working with.

This particular nurse has a young adult son who is slowly dying of a genetic disease, the same one that took the life of his father, her husband. She has every reason to feel sorry for herself, watching her son waste away, knowing that it is only a matter of time until half of her family is lost to this awful disease.

This nurse recounted an experience that she had the other day. After walking with her dogs in the rain, she brought them home and put them in the shower to wash off the wet dog smell. The dogs then proceeded to run like maniacs in an attempt to dry themselves. This nurse and her son were so entertained by the antics of their dogs that they were laughing hysterically. She was suddenly so caught up by the laughter and sheer joy of the moment that she just burst out to her son how much she loved him and was so grateful that she has had the privilege of having him in her life, along with these wonderful dogs that bring them both so much happiness. She was able to realize that she was lucky for these simple pleasures, no matter how briefly they might last.

This simple story, recounting what some might see as mundane daily life, touched me profoundly in that moment. I had a sudden epiphany in that moment.

What an ungrateful little complainer I am. I have so much that I should be thankful for. Despite life's imperfections and struggles, and the intermittent real personal struggle and tragedy, on the whole I should be happy for all that I have.

Yes, school is hard. Working two jobs, with no benefits is difficult and stressful. I wish I had a more spacious home. I wish that I were done with my education. I wish that I were already married and a mother. But it is important to remember that all of these challenges are making me a better person, as unpleasant as the process might be at times. Things might not always happen on my desired timeline, but I know that there is a greater plan that I cannot always comprehend. I have a wonderful family and boyfriend, and a best friend who has been there for me for the past 16 years.

I need to remember these things more often.

Remember to stop and be thankful, count your blessings.

Operation Veggisaur

2010-06-05T22:40:00.000-06:00

My boyfriend and I are trying a little experiment for the month of June. We are going vegetarian. We are currently 5 days in and I think it's going pretty well.

We would like to be healthier, but to be honest, this isn't our primary motivation. I wouldn't complain if it helps me drop a few pounds either...

Our main motivation are the ethics behind the meat we consume. I love animals dearly. ALL of them, even the ones most people hate. LOVE THEM. Somehow, it just doesn't seem right to eat them, but I was raised in a meat-eating family and generally haven't ever given this a second thought. I like meat, it tastes good, so why rock the boat, right?

Recently my boyfriend and I watched Food Inc. and were incredibly disturbed by what we saw. This was really the trigger. I honestly wouldn't have minded drastically reducing our meat intake prior to this (while I like meat I don't really like to eat vast quantities of it), but I figured that my boyfriend would never go for it- he is a serious carnivore. But, when he suggested this little challenge, I disbelivingly accepted.

Additionally, I've recently been exposed to a more open-minded view about what we eat, where it came from and how it was made. I've been reading more about this topic, and for whatever reason it has stayed at the forefront of my mind. I don't honestly think that I will ever be a total vegetarian, I'm not ruling it out though.

I think that family gatherings and holidays as a vegetarian would be very difficult. I also think that world travel as a vegetarian might be difficult (which I hope and plan to do a lot of), partially because experiencing local dishes is an intrinsic part of the travel experience and partly because I think language barriers and foreign food preparation methods would make this difficult.

I hope to learn from this challenge. I grew up in a home, like I mentioned above, that eats meat. I honestly don't know how to cook very many meals that aren't based around some type of meat. So, I'll have to re-learn some cooking skills. This, so far, has been good. I'm exploring new foods and trying new things (including faux meats, which has been difficult to wrap my brain around). I'm also trying several recipes that are familiar and just trying them without the meat. I'm giving much more thought to my nutrient intakes, particularly protein- also good.

So, Operation Veggisaur is underway! Wish us luck, and if you have any good vegetarian recipes, send them my way!

Resurfacing

2010-05-07T15:33:00.000-06:00

It's been a few months since I've blogged. This school semester has been completely out-of-hand and overwhelming! I'm so glad that in 6 days final exams will be over! I'll still have some chemistry to wrap up after that date, but I feel so relieved to see the end that that seems minor in comparison to the last few weeks and months. I can't wait to catch up with the rest of my life!

This semester marks my boyfriend's first semester back to school in 8 years, and he has worked hard and done so well, even while working 2 jobs. I'm so proud of him! Both of us going to school simultaneously has been both good and difficult. I just hope he maintains his momentum and finishes quickly (unlike me)!

I'm hoping that this summer will bring lots of great changes. Time for lots of exercise and fun outdoors, time to get my home organized and hopefully just time to relax. I have a ton of projects and a mile-long to-do list waiting for next Thursday... and a pile of non-school books that I'm eager to read!

Restraint, a Rant

2010-03-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's amazing sometimes how difficult it is to not lash back at someone, isn't it? Especially someone who is wrong? Wrong, and furthermore, completely ignornant about the topic they're raving about. Ignorance makes me crazy, as does closed-mindedness. I just cannot understand this mindset, and the many faces and places that it shows up in.

So, I'm going to take a deep breath, and not respond to the anonymous idiot over the internet. It's difficult, but they're too stupid, or ill-informed to know any better anyway. Sadly, wasting my breath won't improve their dismal intellect or perspective.

Sure, I'm not perfect. I don't know everything. But I make damn sure before I spout off my opinion that I have support and evidence for that opinion, I've usually done my research first. And, more importantly, I try to maintain an open-mind.

Motivation

2010-02-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

I've been having an incredibly difficult time finding the motivation to go to the gym and exercise. I've been counting my Weight Watchers points and doing well with that, but, after the first couple of weeks it just hasn't been enough to keep budging that number down on the scale. I honestly can't imagine where I can currently find the energy to make myself do anything except sleep during my free time (and certainly not frequently enough for it to help me lose weight). Lately, all I want to do is sleep. And then, after an hour or two awake, sleep some more.

Any advice? Where do you find your motivation? How do you get past times like this and make a lasting habit of exercise?

Resolutions Update

2010-01-24T20:32:00.000-07:00

I am very proud to report that MY CAR IS PAID OFF!!! WOOHOO!! 11 months early! I feel so free! Now I can devote that large chunk of money toward other debt, sigh...

But, all in all, I'm very pleased! And I can actually check 1 resolution item off of my list! In January, no less!!

Also, on the resolution front, I have purchased and assembled a new shelving unit and large filing cabinet to help get myself ORGANIZED! Now, I just have to fill that filing cabinet and empty my living room. Haha, wish me luck! I didn't have the energy to do both today...

Yay!

2010-01-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

I lost 3 pounds between this Wednesday and last! Woohoo! I've been counting my weight watchers points and feeling hungry, but I'll take the progress! I think a little bit of, ahem, stomach upset may have also aided in my weight loss, but I'm still counting the pounds I lost!

Now I just need to wake up early enough to go to one of those pesky meetings and weigh in there too...

I have drawn up an exercise schedule for myself that I expect to start the first of February, once I have a half-second of free time to fit anything else in, so I hope that that will accelerate my weight loss.

2010 Reading Challenge

2010-01-04T14:02:00.002-07:00

Ok, here's my start for the 2010 Reading Challenge! I'm going to just keep posting here on my blog, under the label 2010 Reading Challenge (because I'm not cool enough to know how to make a tab or page just for it- help, please?). I'm going to try to read as many as possible, but I don't know if my school will allow me the time to read a full 100 books this year. Happy reading! Join in the fun here: http://j-kaye-book-blog.blogspot.com/2009/11/new-2010-reading-challenge-100-reading.html

Completed books for 2010:

1. The Shelters of Stone by Jean M. Auel
2. Guinevere: On the Eve of Legend by Cheryl Carpinello

Happy 2010!

2010-01-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well, it's the start to a new year and a new decade! I'm always eager to start a new year and make new resolutions that usually get broken quickly, or never followed in the first place. This is also the first real decade of my "adult" life, meaning, I'm not a teenager anymore, or for any part of this decade.

The last 10 years of my life have brought about so many momentous occasions and major life changes. I have graduated from both high school and college. I have found the career path that finally feels right to me, that I am passionate about pursuing. I have lived through my Mom's illness and death. I've also survived many other relationships, life changes, and the ups and downs that go with them. I bought my first home, all by myself! Although the last decade has certainly not turned out the way that I thought that it would be, I have learned a lot and grown as a person. I'm grateful for the things that I've learned, and I'm trying to accept life for what it is and what it isn't, and adjust my expectations accordingly. I'm excited and hopeful for all of the things that I hope the next 10 years will bring!

This year, I have a lot of very vague ideas about what I would like to do, but I'm having a difficult time developing the specifics. I would really like to make some goals that are achievable and result in long-lasting changes. I think I need to start with my home, it's so messy and cluttered that it's literally difficult to think (and walk) in!

Of course, being more organized is high on the list.

Also, again, weight loss. Since today is the first monday of the new year I have weighed myself and taken new measurements. Let me just say that the results are NOT GOOD. Not good at all. So, I have a few ideas about how to tackle this: first, Weight Watchers, second, exercise (regularly). For some extra motivation I'm participating in an office Biggest Loser type contest that I've helped to organize, I'm also considering signing up for @Losermoms contest that I saw through Twitter (see http://losermoms.blogspot.com/2010/01/sign-ups-for-biggest-loser-moms-2nd.html). Extra accountability can't hurt, right?! The added kicker is that this year will be my 10 year high school reunion, which is a scary thought. I fully expect that all of us will look different than we did at graduation, but I would like to go at a weight and fitness level that enable me to feel confident about my appearance. I'm still trying to work out all of the specifics about my exercise plan, but I'm excited that the boyfriend is on board with me!

I'm continuing with school this year and I'm hoping to complete all of the classes that I need to apply for graduate school in the fall. I will also need to devote some time to the GRE, which I'm a little nervous about. The other academic thing on my plate is a nursing aide class that I'm taking for the last 3 weeks of January. This will be good for my nursing applications, but will also hopefully help me professionally.

I'm setting a goal of paying off my car early this year, hopefully in January, but by March at the latest. I'm VERY excited about the prospect of not having a car payment!

Another carry-over resolution is to focus on my finances, of which, the car is a big part. I would like to learn how to make and stay on a budget and pay off as much debt as possible. I am very proud to say that I paid all cash for Christmas in 2009, no credit cards!

I'm going to read as many books as I can in 2010, and keep a record of them. I have decided that I am not reaching for the full 100+ books on the book blog because of my school reading obligations, which always decreases my time for pleasure reading. My inspiration for this is J Kaye's book blog: http://j-kaye-book-blog.blogspot.com/2009/11/new-2010-reading-challenge-100-reading.html Check it out! I will try to keep a list of my 2010 books under the 2010 Reading Challenge label, I'll see if I can figure out how to make that easier to follow.

In general, I'm hoping for a happy, successful 2010. I would like to continue to improve myself as a person, and work at being the best me I can be (corny, I know). I would like to teach myself to be more disciplined, less lazy, and to finally find a regular schedule that I can adhere to (I think this will help with most of the other resolutions too).

Good luck to all of you! I'd love to hear your resolutions and how you plan to tackle them!

Happy 2010!

Tis the Season

2009-12-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a busy moment out of a packed Saturday to write. Not that I have anything remarkable going on that would make for a fascinating read, but mainly because I'm waiting to continue baking my chocolate-chip banana nut bread until my boyfriend shows up with the buttermilk that I forgot I needed.

This Christmas I'm going out to Oklahoma to spend the holiday with my Dad. Something I haven't done with my Dad since I was 4 years old. In fact, except for a brief 30 minute road stop while he was moving across country, I haven't even seen my Dad in nearly 10 years. We talk on the phone pretty regularly, and I feel like we have a pretty good relationship, but face-to-face time has been scarce and I'm so excited to see him. I also get to spend some rare time with his side of the family, my aunt and cousins that I really enjoy and recently reconnected with.

The only thing that I'm not excited about is the drive across the plains to get there and back (praying for good weather and making good time) and being away from the family that I usually spend the holidays with. Also, while I'm excited, I'm a little nervous about my boyfriend meeting my Dad for the first time (I know he's nervous too).

So today, getting ready to leave, I'm trying to cram in everything that I can. I'm baking and making candy and fudge. I'm trying to get the laundry and dishes done, and finish wrapping all of the gifts. Then I've got to get packed, wash the car and get a last minute oil change, and mail my packages and letters. I'm also really looking forward to packing up the cat and moving her over to my aunts' house for the week. To say that she doesn't "travel well" is truly an understatement. At least we will make it to my aunts' house quickly, since everyone we pass on the road will think that I'm blaring ambulance sirens (or killing the cat trembling violently in my arms, which is tempting after being clawed for the 5th time).

I hope everyone else has fun enjoying this busy, busy time of year! As stressful as it can be, I truly love the holidays! I can't wait for a 12 hour car ride filled with Christmas music and Harry Potter audio books!

Changes

2009-12-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. I know, another one. Yikes! 30 will be here in the blink of an eye, I'm sure (but not yet!).

But besides my age changing, quite a lot of things are changing around here. Big things. Scary things.

The week started off with my wonderful boyfriend losing his full-time job of 6 years. Pretty sucky. The week of my birthday and 2 weeks before Christmas. What a happy holiday season for us, huh? Thankfully he still has a part-time job, but it still leaves us very short financially. He's already looking for new jobs and I pray he finds something quickly.

I finished final exams for this semester today. I also am praying that I did well and do not need to relive any anatomy hell again. Fingers crossed...

January will mark back-to-school time for both myself and my boyfriend. I will be returning as a full-time student for the first time since I graduated in May (I only went part-time during the fall). My boyfriend will be returning for the first time in 9 years! Wow! He's so excited! Which is adorable, I'm so unexcited about school it's ridiculous, I'm sure his shiny, new excitement will wear off in time, but for now it's very cute.

All of these changes of course have me thinking about New Years resolutions and the things that I'd like to change voluntarily in my life. I failed miserably at last years resolutions, so perhaps I should give it another go in 2010 or modify my resolutions and break them down into more manageable steps. I'll have to brainstorm about this...

So, yeah, big changes coming up. I wonder what else the new year will bring?

Sloth

2009-11-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have been an incredibly lazy blog writer! I really have given it quite a lot of thought, but have just lacked the motivation to carry out those thoughts!

Aside: Happy Birthday to my biggest, oldest, big brother! I love him, and wish we were nearby each other!

Ok, so, back to the topic at hand: Sloth.

Yes, sloth is one of the 7 deadly sins. Yes, a sloth is a slow-moving animal. Yes, I think I may be both of these things, or at least the embodiment of them.

I don't know why I can't light a fire under myself and be one of those crazy productive people that do-it-all and get-it-all done. I'm terribly envious of these people. Also, they drive me nuts (but mainly just because I wish I were like them)! I'm sure if you've read any of my previous posts that you might see that this is, sadly, not a new trend for me.

Currently, at nearly 4 pm, I am still in my pajamas. Yes, that's right, I said it Internet! In fact, I have been in these pajamas for the better part of the last 4 days. My oh-so-sweet boyfriend seems to truly not mind this (that, or he is an excellent liar when he claims that he loves to see me in that Cure t-shirt). As I sit writing this I am sitting on my sofa in the middle of the messiest living room you can probably imagine.

I have spent my long holiday weekend doing a few things: sleeping (from the wee hours of the morning to late afternoon typically), obsessively reading my current novel, grudingly leaving the house for family obligations and some minor shopping, and attempting to attack the paper that has taken up residence in my living room floor.

The paper project is the primary reason that my house has become uninhabitable. I had some kind of wild hair and decided that since I'm having company over later in the week I should start cleaning now!!! And, the obvious place to start cleaning is the papers that seem to multiply mysteriously in my house. I've got boxes full of random papers (not joking), grocery bags with papers, and every surface imaginable has, you guessed it: PAPERS EVERYWHERE! I seriously cannot seem to get ahead of this paper and it is EXHAUSTING.

So, I jumped into this little project with vigor and shredded and trashed and sorted my heart out for 6 or 8 hours. And then, I was exhausted and I gave up. Sadly, the majority of the day I spent working on the paper mess was not enough and now my living room looks, if possible, about 100% worse than it did before I started "cleaning." And now, I'm bored with that little project and don't want to continue it. But I'm going to have to continue it, it would just be rude to expect my company to leap over piles of papers and stuff the way my cat has been doing for the last few days.

I have another problem that compounds this paper issue. I AM A PACK RAT. I have the hardest time parting with anything that I think might possibly be necessary and useful at some imaginary time in the future. Even if I haven't looked at the item in question for years. I realize that this is unreasonable, especially in my 1 bedroom condo. But I have an entire storage unit and overflowing closets to attest to my sickness.

So, when I think about my laziness and sloth regarding my housekeeping, it always makes me think about all of the other areas of my life in which I am horribly lazy. But, honestly, I think that a lot of it boils down to lacking discipline and a regular schedule (and the unexplainable need for 12 hours of sleep per day). I'm sure I'm perfectly human, and not the only one with these types of problems, but it's something that is constantly nagging at me. It is something that I always want to change about myself, and yet something that I seem to be powerless to fight. I feel like if I can magically force myself to go to bed and wake up at the right times that I will have the energy to accomplish every little task that I would like to do. I will suddenly have the time and energy to devote myself to all of the many things I wish I could (and should) do every day. And then, with the best intentions and plans, I just don't. Those good intentions just vanish like a little puff of smoke and my real life takes over and things stay the way they have been for years.

What's the catalyst? What will actually cause and sustain all of the changes that I so desperately want for myself and yet can't seem to achieve? I'd love to hear what works for others...

Currently...

2009-08-27T18:21:00.000-06:00

Listening to Aim and Ignite the new album from Fun. I've embedded a player here so that you can hear a couple of my favorites from the new album, that I've been anxiously awaiting for nearly a year.

Wow. Wow. Wow. It's spectacular! Go buy it in your local store or on iTunes!

A little background and a disclaimer:

I don't generally like new music. Period. It usually takes quite a while and several hearings for new music to grow on me. I first heard Fun at a Jack's Mannequin concert in the Winter of '08 in Denver. My understanding is that this was mere weeks after they had formed as a band. So they are a brand new band, this is their first album. The lead singer is Nate Ruess, formerly of The Format, and his voice is what grabbed and has held my attention. His voice is amazing, and so unique. From the moment I heard the opening chord of Benson Hedges, which was their opening song the first time I saw them perform, I was hooked. Since that concert I have been hungry for more and have been listening to The Format to hold me over until the album came out Tuesday.

I love the album! Which, again, is unusual for me. I'm not typically someone who can listen to an album from beginning to end, I like to skip through and find my favorites. I listened to this album 3 consecutive times from beginning to end on my commute the next day after its release. 3 times. It's that good. I enjoyed the early releases I was familiar with, like Benson Hedges and At Least I'm Not As Sad, but I also really enjoyed the new songs. Be Calm has a great feel, as does I Wanna Be the One. The Gambler brought tears to my eyes (probably not too safe while driving, but I held it together). So many of their melodies and choruses feel very nostalgic and familiar, like music that I grew up listening to, which I really enjoy.

I cannot urge you enough to get your hands on this album! And even better, if you can see them live, GO! I've seen them live twice, and it is not to be missed. I'm so disappointed that I won't be in the Denver area the next time they are here that I considered driving to another state just to catch another live show. Like my boyfriend said when we saw them take the stage for the first time before they started playing, "Oh great, another hippie, Weezer wanna-be band." He promptly ate his words. Trust me, looks are deceiving! I rarely expect the opening bands to be worth my time or interest at concerts, but I'm glad that, at least once, I've been proven wrong!

Happy listening!

I'm a liar. A busy liar.

2009-08-05T21:37:00.002-06:00

Ok, so much for all of that updating I was promising! Ha! It will still happen, of course, just not on the schedule I had originally set for myself.

July has been a very unexpectedly busy month for me.

I have registered for more classes for the fall! (I know, right?) "Thank you, sir. May I please have another?," was all I could keep thinking to myself...sigh. It is inevitable though, an education is an asset for a nurse. So, I must complete these last 2 pre-requisite courses and then hopefully I will be accepted to nursing programs ASAP! I go in to interview with one nursing school next week, which is exciting, but I am a bit worried about as they are a new school and I would like to be confident that all of their accredidation is on the up-and-up before I sign up.

This summer has flown by more quickly than I had imagined was possible! It has been so wonderful to not worry about school during that time!

I held a fairly successful 1 day garage sale! Another day to hopefully follow in August! I have so much junk to get rid of, it's about time to sort through some of it.

During July I also helped a friend labor and give birth to her first baby (a LOOOONG process, really, really, painfully long). And am now the proud pseudo-auntie to a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

I orchestrated our 4th annual camping and whitewater rafting trip for the boyfriends birthday! It was a fantastic success, with the exception of some "minor" tent malfunctions. More to follow on that...

Oh, and not to go unmentioned, I have of course made time to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince three (3!) times to date! It's fabulous, possibly my favorite film of the series! If you haven't already... GO SEE IT! It is so funny!

So, here we are, August already! How did that happen?!

I am in the middle of planning a fall vacation to celebrate my graduation. But I am working out the technical kinks to posting the Dooce book reading in Denver. I have quite alot of video coverage and must edit it down into acceptable chunks for Vimeo to accept (or else tech support, aka, the boyfriend will do it for me).

More to follow, as always, I will try to be a bit more consistent!

Bad Cat

2009-07-09T23:06:00.002-06:00

This is why flowers never last long at my house...

Notice the fine shredding work on the leaves. She is thorough and detailed, if destructive.

Big News

2009-07-06T21:12:00.004-06:00

THE PAPER HAS ARRIVED! It wasn't all a horrible nightmare! I have the proof!

Wait, wait. Let me make a correction. Yes, it was both horrible and nightmarish, but it really did happen.

In other news:

I have been the worlds biggest slacker since graduating. I promise that I will update and end my lazy ways.

I have many ideas for old posts bouncing around in my head, now I have the time to actually get to them (in between all of the napping that I have been catching up on).

Coming soon:

Dooce in Denver! (with video footage from the front row!)

No Doubt!

My Obsession with the Harry Potter Books! (and Jo Rowling)

Adventures in Knitting!

And much more!

Accomplishment

2009-06-05T22:50:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been a couple of weeks now, but I have officially graduated from college. I am the proud new owner of a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology degree, and a whopping student loan bill!

Graduation day was a little surreal. I was in the gymnasium at school (for perhaps the first time) waiting in line with other classmates for the ceremony to begin, only a few of which I knew. Shortly before the ceremony began they told us all to form lines, in no particular order. This was nice, even though disorganized, because if someone had another person they wanted to stand next to they were able to do so. I just stood next to the people around me, not having any close friends to celebrate this with that were graduating with me that day.

We filed out onto the athletic field on the campus, and it was a surprisingly grand backdrop. I was surprised that downtown Denver could appear this way to me, but maybe it was just how excited I was feeling that day. Several times while walking onto the field and waiting in line my eyes welled up. I have worked for so long for this day, for this achievement. Much longer, I'm sure than most of my fellow graduates that day. 9 years to be exact. 9 years filled with unexpected life events that delayed my education; car accidents, financial problems, my Mom's struggle and death to cancer, and many other relationships that came and went. I was very sad that my parents were not physically there to see their first, and youngest child graduate. Only my Aunts and my boyfriend and his parents were in the audience that day, but their support and excitement for me was phenomenal.

When my name was actually called and I was able to walk across that stage I was so unbelievably thrilled. It was a shock to hear my name be announced! I had really done it! The empty diploma holder that I was handed on stage was lovely... I'm still waiting to receive the real thing.

The ceremony moved quickly, especially considering that over 1,100 students graduated that day. There were no special speakers, which was initially disappointing, but did keep the ceremony moving which I was grateful for in the end.

After the ceremony, it took FOREVER to find my guests to take a few photos with before rushing off to return my gown. The College of Liberal Arts and Sciences had a nice reception for the students and their guests after the ceremony.

The day following the graduation I had the official graduation party! My boyfriends parents hosted it at their home and my Aunt threw the party as a gift to me.

The party was fun, but a little exhausting. Trying to make the rounds to chat with everyone who came for a few minutes left me little quality time for anyone, but I guess that's to be expected. A friend who makes cakes made a fantastic cake with the CU buffalo, Ralphie, on it wearing a graduation cap with Tiffany Blue details (as this is my signature color). I think my guests enjoyed themselves, and I was happy to see so many friends in one place at one time.

Overall, I am so relieved to have this chapter of my life behind me. I certainly didn't enjoy college to it's full potential. I have never been a party animal or a social butterfly; and to some extent, I regret not having been a little more wild and crazy, but I guess that's just a part of who I am. Though I'm certainly not done with school I finally feel like I've finished something. I've seen one major part through from beginning to end.

This is a huge step for me.

I am so thankful for the family and friends who have helped and supported me through this. I could not have survived these last few semesters without my boyfriend, his help has been invaluable. He has seen me at some of my craziest and most stressed moments and quietly and lovingly has helped me, instead of running as fast as possible in the other direction like a sane person would.

I literally yelled OUT LOUD and cheered when I saw my final grade for my Microbiology class~ I PASSED!!! It was truly uncertain whether I would survive that class and seeing that grade was nearly as exciting for me as the graduation itself! I was also so extremely relieved to have passed my other three courses. One of my professors even emailed me to tell me that my term paper was the best out of the entire class! That was a very flattering little confidence boost!

I have never been so anxious to pass all of my classes in any other semester! I guess knowing that so much depended on my success was a little intimidating! I had officially told everyone that this event was finally taking place, sent out the announcements, it was all very real and a little terrifying.

But I did it! I am a college graduate! It's official!

Now, I just hope that they send me the piece of paper to prove it...

So Close I Can Taste It...

2009-05-14T14:18:00.004-06:00

Alright, I'm done with tests for the semester! I took my last final exam (hopefully) this morning at 11:30!

I'm EXHAUSTED. And I'm THRILLED to be so close (only 2 days away!) to graduation! I pick up my cap and gown tomorrow! I've got my graduation and party outfit purchased and ready to go!

I can't wait for the ceremony and party to follow. I've earned it!

I'm also working on an as yet undisclosed project, I'll update as the situation develops. But I will hopefully have some good news after today or tomorrow...

Even though my life will not change overnight just because I have a college degree, I am so hopeful for what this signifies for me. Yes, I definitely have more school in my future, but I'm done with this huge first step.

Torture

2009-05-02T12:11:00.004-06:00

Yes, I am officially 14 days away from my college graduation! It's amazing and terrifying and exciting! I also have so much work to do in the next 14 days that I crapped the proverbial brick. Not. Kidding.

Let me run it down for you so that you can share in my stress, terror, and brick crapping. In the next 2 weeks I have to do:

1) 10 page research paper on domestic violence in pregnancy (not yet started, naturally)
2) A whole semester's worth of online history class to do (minus 1 1/2 assignments), which includes reading almost 2 entire books and writing the equivalent of another book
3) 14 microbiology lab write-ups to write
4) A zoo research assignment to go do and write up
5) 2 animal behavior exams to take (before the final exam)
6) My microbiology lab exam
7) A domestic violence exam
8) And last, but not least, the real final exam week's exams! (Which should only be a couple of exams, but are still A LOT of work)

Whew! I'm tired just thinking about this mess! Yes, I know, I shouldn't have procrastinated on some of these things so long. But that's kind of my thing. I procrastinate really well, much better in fact, than I do homework (or anything else that is considered *not* fun). And some of these things are just all due at the same time, which I think is a cruel plan devised by college professors to torture us all simultaneously. Oh, and I've had a crummy semester, that has been monopolized by trying to survive my all-consuming microbiology class. And working a couple of jobs at the same time, that probably hasn't helped either...

So now the announcements have been sent out and I need to make the rest of this happen (you know, the GRADUATING part). I honestly don't know how I can get all of this done, but I know that this is going to be what I spend almost every waking moment of the next 14 days doing. It's a good goal, one that has taken 9 interrupted and imperfect years to accomplish. But I'm so close now that I will do whatever I can to pull this off! Wish me luck! And postings until then will probably be light to non-existent.

Hiatus

2009-04-25T21:02:00.003-06:00

Yes, unfortunately, the 30 Day Shred is currently on hiatus due to my injured knee! I'm very disappointed by this, I was doing really well and starting to see results. By the 5th day I was already down 1.5 lbs! And the soreness was gone! I was ready to increase my weights!

Now, I hope I don't have to start all over again. But I will if I have to!

I will keep at it though. I'm hoping that I will be well enough Sunday or Monday to resume. When the pain, swelling, and need to wear a knee brace subsides...

Ow!

2009-04-22T19:12:00.003-06:00

I just finished Day 5 of the Shred! For some reason, I was really tired and lagged during the first circuit. Maybe because I just got home from work?

My soreness was greatly improved today! This is a relief, but now I'm wondering if I should increase my weights since I started with little baby weights :0) I also have somehow hurt my knee during one of the circuits. I'm not really sure when, but during the cardio and squat moves my left knee started having a sharp pain whenever I put any weight on it. I'm hoping that I just stepped down funny and that this will resolve itself before tomorrow.

Not too much to say today. I'm glad I've come back to this for 5 days in a row!

None of my slacker coworkers have started the Shred yet. I'm going to have to get their motivation going again!

Day 5 of Level 1 done! Day 5 of 30 done! 25 to go...

Day 4 Down

2009-04-21T17:28:00.003-06:00

My muscles are still quivering from Day 4 of the Shred. It took me a long time today to work up the energy to do the video. I sat twittering (tweet me @ Snippet) in my workout clothes for over an hour. Before starting the dvd I was thinking, "I know it's only 4 days into this, but I'm bored with this same workout already."

And then, I started the workout...and I was wrong!

This still totally kicks my butt, and I'm not even close to perfecting anything! I'm huffing and puffing shortly after the warm up is over. Today: I didn't have to stop and take a real 1+ minute break! This is a victory! I did, however, take several little 5 second breathers like Jillian allows.

I am not as sore as I was a few days ago. I can see definition in my quads! And (I cheated) I've lost 1/2 a pound so far!

I'm getting curious about what Level 2 has to offer. I'm also beginning to worry that if I haven't perfected Level 1 at the end of 10 days, how will I manage Level 2?!

I wonder how many times I will need to do the Shred before I am able to complete the workout without breaking a sweat like Jillian and The Girls?

Day 4 of Level 1 done! Day 4 of 30 done! 26 to go...

Panting

2009-04-20T11:19:00.003-06:00

Just. Completed. Day. 3. *heavy breathing*

My first thought when I rolled out of bed this morning and wandered into the bathroom was, "Hey, it didn't just cause me excruciating pain to sit on the toilet!" I consider this a vast improvement personally. Yay! Day 3 started with soreness, but not the same degree of pain, I must be getting somewhere with this. No ibuprofen today!

I will admit, I was a little more sluggish this morning. I just couldn't put the same "oomph" into the cardio during the first circuit. And I had a really hard time with push-ups today. I'm having a difficult time gauging if I'm in the correct form, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not. So, most of my push-up time was spent playing with arm and knee spacing. But, a new first, I managed to stay all the way with "the girls" through the bicycle crunches at the very end! Granted, I'm sure that what I was doing in no way visually resembled the beautiful, graceful movements that they were making, but hey, I did it!

I really love how much time and emphasis Jillian puts into reinforcing good form for the exercises. Naturally, I tend to get a little lazy with my form (hence, the need for a 30 Day Shred, haha). The constant reminder is very helpful for me.

My boyfriend tried this out yesterday for the first time, and seemed surprised when he too found it to be a tough workout! Today, during my Shred, he sent a text message saying, "I hurt." While I feel bad for him, I'm also happy. This means I'm not alone and I'm not a *total* wimp. Muah ha ha! I wonder how my coworkers are faring? I will have to see tomorrow if they are following through with their end of our little bargain!

Day 3 of Level 1 done! Day 3 of 30 done! 27 to go...

Day 2

2009-04-19T18:38:00.002-06:00

Made it to Day 2 of the 30 Day Shred!

When I got up today my thighs, again, were killing me. I was mildly sore elsewhere, like my abs, chest, and back, but the thighs are by far the worst. Sitting down and standing up are sheer torture at the moment.

I started today's workout by turning on the air conditioner a few minutes ahead of time (I overheat really easily) and by taking a couple of ibuprofen. I also stretched a little before turning on the dvd since I was so sore. Neither have helped so far...

I made it through more of the workout before stopping for a brief rest, and completed more of the jumping jacks instead of just marching along. The butt-kicks and jump ropes are also a little hard on me. It's difficult for me to jump off of the ground during the butt kicks. My feet kill me during these moves. They feel like they are just going to seize up and stop supporting me. Has anyone else experienced this? Are my feet muscles just weak? I think set 2 is by far my favorite, so far.

Anyway... I survived yet another day! I came back for Day 2! I consider this alone an accomplishment. It may have even been marginally easier than yesterday (or am I just imagining that?)! I am not typically one to follow through on an exercise routine, I think my record attendance at the gym has been 6 days in a row, so I'm hoping to see this through and make it stick!

Day 2 of Level 1 done! Day 2 of 30 done! 28 to go...

The Official Day 1!

2009-04-18T14:20:00.000-06:00

Step 1- Talk boyfriend into walking downstairs to knock on the neighbors door, since I am physically unable to walk a flight of stairs after first 9 minutes of exercise, 2 days ago. No answer. I'm going to go ahead and assume I'm free to jump jacks and mime jump rope with abandon then.

Step 2- Muster strength to put on workout clothes, shoes, and strongest sports bra I own.

Step 3- Need to hurry up and do this before I die from hunger (but listening to advice to NOT eat before workout). Lay out mat, get weights ready.

Step 4- Cringe as I turn on the dvd player, fearing what I know is about to come. I'm just going to keep repeating in my head: "Yes, just keep ignoring the dull ache in thighs, no, it won't get worse. This will make it better". I'm totally lying to myself.

Step 5- SUCK IT UP AND GET GOING.

Step 6- Ok I FINALLY completed the ENTIRE first level 1 exercise! It was painful, and horrible- I won't lie. I did have to stop once, briefly, about 12 minutes in, to open the window (yes, open to the snow!) because I was so hot I thought I might die. There I sat letting the cold, snowy air rush over me, for 2 whole minutes and it felt amazing. Then I went back to the video. When I absolutely couldn't do another second of the cardio moves Jillian was doing, I marched along in place until I had the strength to join in again.

Step 7- Lay down and die on your mat with a cold water bottle. I survived Day 1 of 30.

Ok so, let me say, as of today, I HATE jumping jacks. Butt kicks aren't too far behind. Who knew you could hate jumping jacks?! I'm so glad that I completed the whole 20 minutes, although I made one stop and a few modifications. I'm sure that, even though it doesn't feel like it yet, this will get easier and eventually I can do level 1 as it is intended. I did have a very brief second stop during the stretching cool down- which is BY FAR my favorite part of the workout (1- I'm done!, and 2- I've always loved stretching)- anyway, back to the reason for my stop, I had to make a frantic run to the kitchen with a heaving kitty. She was clearly empathetic for how, I too felt like throwing up, but decided it would be better for both of us if she did. How thoughtful of her. I'm sure the mad dash I made to the kitchen, wrenching myself from my seated position on the mat, made up for some of the cardio I marched through. Thanks Jazzie!

Day 1 of Level 1 done! Day 1 of 30 Done! 29 to go...

Yeah, This is Going to Be Rough

2009-04-17T18:00:00.000-06:00

So, as mentioned in the last post, I stopped 9 minutes into the 30 Day Shred dvd. And today? Today?! Today after a WHOLE 9 minutes of the dvd?!!! MY THIGHS ARE KILLING ME!

Sadly, I wish I were joking. Haha, no it's NOT funny! That's really how out of shape I am! Sitting, standing and squatting have all been very painful reminders of how I spent 9 minutes of my evening yesterday!

And yet, it's kind of a good pain... I must be a masochist, because I kind of like it despite all of my whining.

So, yes I'm back at it again tomorrow. I've agreed with 80% of the unwitting coworkers I've talked into doing this with me that Saturday is the official start day!

Here's to actually limping through a WHOLE 20 minute workout of the Shred!

I'm Pretty Sure that this is Going to Kill Me!

2009-04-16T20:35:00.005-06:00

Ok, just put in the 30 Day Shred dvd, and I can't even make it through the first circuit! I have literally done maybe 5 minutes. I'm very, VERY out of shape! My current shape = lumpy, with a lot of flabby mixed in and spread all over, yuck. I'm beet red, my heart is pounding, and within the first 3 minutes I needed to go and turn on the air conditioner in my condo. I'm very worried that all of my grand promises that I WILL do this for the next 30 days have already been in vain.

I'm also terribly afraid that the jumping jacks and jump-roping moves are being extremely rude to my downstairs neighbor. I'm thinking I should leave a polite little note on his door to warn him that I will be trying to murder myself for 20 minutes a day for the next month, and ask if there is a convenient time for me to do this so that my jumping and death shrieks don't disturb him unnecessarily (or so that he doesn't get the wrong idea from my heavy breathing- which, I'm sure was audible for miles).

I'm not sure how the other non-exercisers out there are even doing these moves for a continuous 20 minutes. Since 2 straight minutes of jumping-jacks are difficult for me, how on earth can a 400 lb person possibly do this?! And push ups?! Jillian really is crazy! I may need several day 1's in order to work up to a full day 1.

I'm just calling today a trial run, not the official day 1. I'm going to check on when I might least disturb my poor neighbor and also make sure to write a will.

30 Day Shred

2009-04-16T20:20:00.000-06:00

As previously noted, I'm planning to begin the 30 Day Shred dvd by Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser.I LOVE watching the Biggest Loser! I love seeing the transformations that take place and wish that I could do this in my own life! Granted, I would have to gain a minimum of 100+ lbs to be on that show, and I don't really think that it would be worth it.

The 30 Day Shred is 20 minutes a day for 30 days straight. I don't really have very much extra time right now, but I reasoned with myself that I probably spend that much time every day just thinking about dieting and/or exercising and/or doing my homework, so I may as well actually start using that time!

That said, I'm considerably overweight. I've also been diagnosed as being potentially pre-diabetic, and diabetes is something I definitely want to avoid if that is at all possible. I am obese according to my BMI, which is currently 32.7. Anything over 30 is considered officially obese. Now, I don't really weigh that much according to the scale, but since I'm only 4"11' a few lbs make a BIG difference on my small frame. That doesn't mean that I'm not horrified when I get on the scale or see myself without clothes on. I'm about 62 lbs above my goal weight. And 38 lbs above the upper limit for a healthy weight for my height. That's enough for the initial stats, I've taken measurements and I plan to repeat them at each stage for comparison. I've also taken "before" photos and they are terribly incriminating, so I doubt that they will ever resurface. Perhaps, someday, I will show some after photos, but that is even doubtful at this point in time. I'm trying to make these changes because I'm unhappy with my weight, appearance, health, and energy levels. So, diet and exercise is needed and is not really optional anymore.

So, my goals are to reach a BMI between 20-25 ultimately, which would be a weight loss of about 40-60 lbs. Also, I would like to return to a size 2 or 4, which would be losing 4-5 clothing sizes. I would also like to do some all over toning, which I would hope would naturally accompany the weight loss. Generally I want to feel more comfortable (dare I even say, PROUD) about my physical appearance. I am planning on taking a cruise in the fall to celebrate my college graduation and I desperately want to feel comfortable in a swimsuit and photos by then.

I HATE exercising! My body also hates it when I exercise and protests loudly the entire time and usually for a few days after. But, I also love being fit and thin and want my rock-hard abs of 9 years ago back! It has been a slow journey to become so out of shape, so I know that getting it back won't be over night either. This is hard for me because I become easily discouraged when I don't instantly see results, so I will really have to work hard to retain my motivation. I want to change my habits. I want to be active and enjoy it. I want to eat healthier.

So to keep up my encouragement I will be blogging about this journey. I know it won't be easy, in fact I know it will be rather torturous. To help with this I've also enlisted a few co-workers to join me in the 30 Day Shred. I like to suffer with company! I've watched the first workout of three on the dvd and it looks unbelievably easy. However, I know that it is not, from talking with other Shred Heads and reading online reviews. I am prepared to have my butt kicked.

I Think I Might Do It!

2009-04-16T20:10:00.002-06:00

Let me start by saying I have been a total slacker on several projects lately. School work is really suffering, and, as of today I have less than 30 days to correct this. 30 DAYS UNTIL I GRADUATE!!! I'm so excited and so terrified, it's not even funny. So, since the actual ceremony is in 30 days, that means I have less actual time than that to wrap up all of this work.

This is also the timeline that I've set for myself to begin tackling some other things I've had on the back-burner. Specifically the diet and exercise goals that were part of my New Year's resolutions. And also it's time to start my Total Money Makeover, and finish preparing for nursing school and get ready to apply for the next step.

So to address the first I've got a few plans. I'm technically doing Weight Watchers. Kind of. Well, what I'm really doing is PAYING for Weight Watchers and disregarding most of their excellent advice. Not because I don't want to, I do, and I know from experience that the plan works if you follow it. Again, the important part *IF YOU FOLLOW THE PLAN* is not what I have been doing. I have been much too busy and tired to do anything but eat junk in the past few months. Fast food and at home convenience foods have comprised probably 90% of my diet this semester. So I go in to my weekly meeting and am disappointed with the number on the scale and the size of my pants, but am really not actively working on it so I'm not too surprised. So, I would really like to get focused with this after graduation.

The next part of this plan is EXERCISE! That's right DIET and EXERCISE~ what a novel idea! So in addition to just a vague idea of exercising, I have been inspired and, more importantly, gotten myself excited to do the 30 Day Shred! For the source of my inspiration, check out JoAnn's blog at http://thecasualperfectionist.com. I met JoAnn at the Dooce book reading (more about this later, again, huge slacker, I know) and you can follow her entire Shred journey on her site. I think that I too will blog about my Shred journey, not because I think it will be terribly beneficial for everyone else out there, but hopefully to hold myself accountable.

The next item on the list is beginning my Total Money Makeover!The Total Money Makeover is a book by Dave Ramsey (I've mentioned it before) and I've become very engrossed in this little financial community. I'm very excited to do this and am eager to get started but I know that it will be difficult. I've never been on a "budget" and I've never been very organized with my finances so it should be a real challenge. Of course the aim of the book is to be completely debt free, which is my ultimate goal, but I would like to aim for paying off my car and credit cards before starting nursing school in the short term. My boyfriend and I are planning on doing this together, so it should get really exciting around my house~ this may be an excellent test of our relationship! I think I will also start a thread on this topic, again to hold myself accountable and to encourage anyone else embarking on this endeavor!

So these are the big things coming up in my life and I am hoping to make some really positive changes. I'm excited and daunted, because I'm not always great on the follow through of my big plans. But I'm going to give this my best effort and hopefully transform myself and my life in the process.

5 Years Ago

2009-04-13T13:45:00.000-06:00

I love this picture of my Mom. She's young, beautiful and looks happy.

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of my mother's death. I can't even describe how strange that is. How has so much time passed without me even being aware? Has it REALLY been 5 years? 5 years ago my life changed dramatically. It is something that none of my friends can understand, and I'm glad that they don't have to.

It really seems, in some ways, to have just been a few months ago. The acute pain has, thankfully, dulled by now. I still miss her and think of her everyday, I don't think that will ever change. There are many times when I wish I could call my Mom and ask her a question, "How do I do ____?" or "Do you remember ___?" Simple things like this remind me that she's gone, and infuriate me when others take these daily things for granted. And of course when I think of life changes that have yet to occur for me, it hurts to know that she won't physically be there. College graduation in just over a month. And somewhere in the unknown future, my wedding day or the day I have my first baby. Those are days when you really need your mom, and somehow I will have to figure it out on my own.

My Mom and I had a very interesting, mostly difficult relationship. It was never an easy relationship, we were never best friends, but we loved each other deeply all the same. I feel like, since my Mom got sick and died at such a young age (for both of us), that we never got to that "friendship" stage of our mother/daughter relationship. It was still too much of a parent/child situation, not one where we both regarded each other as women.

I know that the mother I experienced was very different than the one my older brothers did. They got the "young" energetic mom. I was the surprise "late" baby, definitely not planned for. But I was also the girl she always wanted, and I think that she liked being able to dress and style a little girl. Being the baby, I think I also got a lot more individual time than my brothers did though, even from the older, less energetic mom. I also got a very different mom than my brothers did for other reasons, I got the single, post-divorce mom. Mom who was dating, and had moved to another state to start over. I didn't grow up with "Mom and Dad" the same way they did and this changed things significantly.

But today, 5 years later, I would like to remember some of the good things about my Mom. For all of her shortcomings she was a remarkable woman in her own regard. When I was young and growing up in Alaska, she was so active and just fun, she did everything. She worked, she played fast-pitch softball, was active in Jazzercize, and had a family and a social life. I don't have the energy now, in my 20's to do all of that! Mom had the most infectious laugh, and when she really got going was so funny. She was a great cook, and had fingers that were impervious to heat and hot grease; I've never known anyone beside her to reach into a hot skillet and flip a frying tortilla with their bare fingers! She loved to travel. She loved animals, which is good, since she always wound up caring for them at home. Most of my memories of her were of her well-dressed and well-groomed for work. Nails always done, hair always curled, dress, hose, heels, the whole package. Obsession perfume, Carmax lip balm. Always thin. Playing crazy, wild, noisy family games of Yahtzee.

Now when I make it back to Oklahoma, to the small town where my parents grew up and married, I am always recognized as her daughter without any introduction given. The first question I hear, always in a Southern drawl, "You must be Donna Sue's girl?" Followed by, "You look just like her!" This used to make me uncomfortable. That strangers I didn't know, had probably never met, knew whose child I was or recognized another person in my face. Now, it's an odd compliment. I look like my mother; and when she was young, before life and cancer changed her, she was beautiful.

This was shortly before Mom's passing. It was the last time that we were all together.

Just Thinking...

2009-04-11T21:44:00.002-06:00

Eating THAT many grapes in one sitting was probably not such a great idea.

I Don't Even Know What to Say...

2009-04-01T20:08:00.002-06:00

I think I must be a terrible, terrible best friend. I just spoke to my best friend, who I haven't talked to for a few weeks (at least it seems like a few weeks, has it been longer?) and heard some disturbing news from her. When I called her the other day she didn't answer her phone. That alone is unusual, she almost always answers. I did have a nagging little thought at the time that it was odd, but quickly dismissed it. She's busy, I'm busy, no big deal- we'll catch up another time.

I was very surprised, no shocked, when she called me back tonight and told me she's been having problems with postpartum depression. I'll admit, I've spoken with her at times in the last few years since she first became a mother, and more recently, since having another child, when she has seemed overwhelmed. But I never imagined that she would or could breakdown like this. She's so quiet and reserved, but also so strong, smart and capable. Not that I'm faulting her. She is in no way responsible for this, this can happen to anyone.

More than anything I feel guilty. How could I not have known she needed help? Am I a terrible friend because she didn't confide in me? I wanted so much to tell her on the phone how much I love her, like family. She has been there for me since middle school, through high school and college, through my mothers death.

But I know how hard it is to admit that you're depressed. I can never ask for help. The thought of breaking down and crying in front of someone is unthinkable. I think I've been dealing with depression for years now, certainly since my mother's death and, to be honest, before that too. I don't ask for help, I don't want to admit this to anyone, I almost never do. Why would I expect her to be different?

I'm hurt that I didn't know sooner, that I couldn't be there for her before now. Granted, I don't know what I can do for her from states away, but I would do anything for her in my power. I always hope that she knows that she can come to me with anything without the fear of judgement. I would hope that we haven't lost that intimacy in our friendship, but I fear we might have.

I wish I had reacted better on the phone, but honestly, I had no idea what to say, other than, "I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Is there anything that I can do?"

Checklist

2009-03-30T21:12:00.002-06:00

So last week was my spring break from school, tonight is my last night before having to suck it up and start paying $11.00 in parking fees again every week until May 16th. I had a fairly short list of things "to do" this week.

1) Go to zoo for research: Done!
2) Write zoo research assignment: Done!
3) Write microbiology paper on E. Coli: Um, still "in progress"
4) Catch up on history assignments: Only slightly "in progress"
5) Clean house: I don't think my boyfriend cleaning up a little in the kitchen or bathroom counts
6) Go to gym: Didn't even come close to happening

So, two-ish out of six, it will be three before tomorrow, as my paper is due then, but it might be a late night since I felt that 6 hours of procrastinating was neccessary. That valuable time included: a snack, wasting time on my iPhone, watching the news, a snack, a nap, and reading blogs for the last hour, with more iPhone time sprinkled throughout.

Time to get with it! I need to drag some motivation somewhere out of the depths of myself if I am truly to survive this semester. I'm just not sure how. I'm so tired...maybe I need another nap first.

Stress Bubble

2009-03-17T16:07:00.004-06:00

I think I'm living in one big stress bubble. Nothing seems easy about my life at the moment. And, in all reality, I don't have the time right now to fix it or change it, only time to try to hang on and survive.

I'm really anxious about school at the moment. I'm terrified that I will mess up and somehow not pass all of my classes, which means that I won't graduate in May. This may just be because I actually have set a deadline and told EVERYONE I know that this is finally happening. Also, it may be because I'm really struggling with my microbiology lecture despite all of the effort and perfect attendance I've put in (a first for me)- I do kick butt in the lab, however. Also, I'm a few weeks behind in my online history class- this will have to be corrected next week when I'm on spring break (I really know how to party).

Hmm, my home is still in total disarray. My diet and exercise routine is still virtually non-existent, except for a vague thought that I really should do something about my weight and that I hate seeing myself in the mirror. To add to this stress is the fact that I'm going to be seeing my Dad in a couple of weeks for the first time in 8 years. My parents have always been critical of my weight, even when I was super thin and in great shape. I can't imagine what I'll hear now that I've gained roughly 50 lbs. Nonetheless, I am thrilled to be seeing him.

Hmm... other stressors: work, money, blah, blah, blah...

I would love to change all of these things RIGHT NOW, but I'm beginning to think that I just might have to wait until May, when graduation is over to get my life together.

Just Wondering...

2009-03-02T22:28:00.002-07:00

Do you ever have a cat sitting on your lap, totally in the way (on purpose), while you are trying to work on the computer? Demanding attention, but angry with you at the same time? Perhaps trying to bite your wrists as you type? Or maybe biting you in retaliation for giving her said attention? And then looking even angrier and confused when she gets smacked upside the head for biting her mother?

I'm sure you'll understand the brevity of today's post...

Today's post brought to you by a day in the life of a cat owner.

Blah

2009-02-16T20:28:00.005-07:00

Hmmm... haven't written anything in a month, I've wanted to, but I've been terribly lazy. Currently, I'm avoiding doing some much needed (and very close to the deadline) homework. Oh yeah, and the Microbiology test I have tomorrow, I'm also not studying for that...

Do you see a pattern? This is kind of how I've been feeling the last month or so. I started off the new year very motivated. I was ready to make great changes, devote myself and throw all of my (non-existant) energy into them.

My house has not been cleaned in months, literally, months. There is clutter EVERYWHERE. The furniture has not been rearranged back to how it should be, even though the Christmas stuff has been gone for over a month. I'm lucky to pick clean clothes out of the laundry basket, and only wash when I'm out of clean underwear or socks, whichever comes first. This blah feeling has carried over into pretty much every area of my life lately, and I'm a little tired of it. Yes I'm tired of being tired and unmotivated and feeling lazy, but I don't have the energy to climb out of this rut.

Items of note:

I am thrilled about the events that took place January 20th. I am so proud that our new President has truly hit the ground running and is getting right to work, despite the pig-headed, childish opposition that he has met. I know that the same cannot be said about the last leader of our nation. I love the patriotism and attitude of change that this new leader has generated. The turn out at the inaguration was amazing, and even more amazing was the reports of good behavior and decreased arrests amid the hugely crowded environment in our nation's capital.

Work has been both better and worse, hopefully things will continue to improve, though I'm not sure which path would be considered improvement.

Dieting has been awful, I'm doing a terrible job. Exercise too, I really need to get things together, my health depends on it (probably my energy level too).

I had a very nice, but low-key Valentine's Day. Daniel and I went out to lunch and exchanged gifts early in the day, since he had to work that night. I got several cool DVD's, a cd, and this:

The cutest purse pen.

I know it sounds superficial, but it is so exciting to open one of these little blue boxes, thrilling even. It is the 4th time I have had the opportunity to open one of these boxes. Isn't he a keeper? Also cute, he got me two cards, because he found two he really liked and just wanted to give me both. I gave him Guitar Hero Worldtour for Wii (I'm a keeper too).

I hope I have more good news to report next time. Now I'll have to really get to work, that homework won't do itself.

Getting Ready

2009-01-15T21:32:00.002-07:00

My New Year really started with a bang. I was in bed by 10:30, which is hilarious, considering what a night owl I am. I'm never in bed that early, but New Year's Eve of all nights? In all fairness, I didn't feel well. I had some medical stuff done earlier that day, so I took some pain medication and slept well. I have felt rotten since. I have had the mother of all colds that just seems to keep morphing into new symptoms with a low-grade fever that I just can't shake.

On the plus side, I got a Wii Fit for an anniversary gift from my boyfriend, which has been alot of fun! Though I haven't used it as much as I would like to since I've been sick. Also good, I re-started Weight Watchers for the New Year. I've lost 3 lbs so far between my 1st and 2nd weigh-ins! It's small progress, but I'll take it! I would really like to work myself up to doing Wii Fit every day at home and going to the gym 4-5 days a week, but I'll have to see how my semester shapes up. I've also stopped eating out lunches at work, this has been helpful financially and for my diet.

I'm getting ready for my last school semester to start in five days, and still tinkering with my class schedule of course. I feel overwhelmed with all of the things I would like to get done around the house before that happens, but since I have one day off between now and then, we'll see how that goes. Things like starting the school semester off with a clean house, or even just little things like moving the Christmas stuff back into storage. I'm really excited about this being my last semester, but I'm also really stressed out about it and, as always, my financial aid not coming through yet. Every semester, it seems to not come until it's a few days too late when I'm having a heart attack about how I'm going to buy my books, this semester is unfortunately not any different. I'm very worried that Microbiology may kill me and prevent me from getting into nursing school, but I don't think the rest of my classes will be too terrible- hopefully they all won't require research papers.

I think I have finally averted this work crisis. I was made a pretty terrible job offer, one that included no benefits and 1 to 1 1/2 days per week of work. As nice as that sounds for my social calendar, it is simply not enough for me to pay my bills with. I'll be working the equivalent of 2 days per week and getting some benefits, with more hours available if the office is busy enough, so I think this is just the best I can do for now. Unfortunately, the situation is just not the greatest one to work with, but I don't think that my last semester of school is the ideal time to job hunt if I can help it.

I've been thinking alot about my resolutions, I posted most of them here. I'm starting slowly, but I hope I will gain momentum and hit them all. I would really just like this year to be one where I put alot of aspects of my life into place, I feel fairly out of balance right now. I think graduation will be a big step in the right direction for this, one that will hopefully help some of my other resolutions to snowball and become easier and faster to accomplish.

Time for a Fresh Start

2008-12-26T15:44:00.004-07:00

Well, Christmas is over now, and so I'm turning my thoughts to 2009. Of course, that means New Years Resolutions. I usually try to make a few resolutions, and usually start out well and then, after a few weeks, lose my motivation. I know that this is the typical pattern for most people to follow, but I would really like to break that pattern this year. I do have a few things that I've been thinking of that I definitely want to accomplish in 2009.

First, I'd like to graduate from college, but, if you've been reading along, that should happen as long as I pass my last four classes! Next on my priority list is to lose some significant weight and get myself into better physical shape. I need to do this for my physical health, to ward off any pre-diabetes stuff. But, of course, I'm not really comfortable with the weight I'm currently at psychologically, I've become very self-conscious and self critical, and I'd really like to be happy with my physical appearance. I would really like to be back into the double digit weight range, but I'd happily settle for the low triple digits, hopefully somewhere between 100-115 lbs. So, major diet and exercise plans are underway and need to be launched soon.

I would also really like to simplify my life this year. For me, that means I need to get rid of a ton of crap that I don't use that is taking up the limited space in my small home! I really need to learn to let go of "stuff" and I need to better organize the remaining "stuff." So, part of that is organizing mountains and mountains of generations of family photos (which I inherited from my mother), and making permanent digital records of them, so that my brothers and Dad can also have copies. I need to clear out all of the useless paper that consumes me too. Hopefully I can sell a lot of this extra junk and make some money as well.

Perhaps the most important of my goals this year (aside from losing weight for my physical health and mental well-being) are my financial goals. I just finished reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, on the recommendation of a friend, and am really excited and fired up to follow this plan to get out of debt and build wealth. I totally and absolutely recommend this book and plan to everyone! I hope that I can pay off my debt and build an emergency savings fund as quickly as possible, so that I can actually use my hard-earned money, instead of sending it away every month. I also would really like to have as little debt as possible before I start nursing school, since I won't be able to work during that year. This includes paying off my car and all of my credit cards. I'll move on to the student loans and mortgage after that. I'm really hopeful about the life changes that this will bring about, though I am worried about creating and learning to stick to a budget. Sadly, I'm a little impulsive sometimes when it comes to money, I have decided that this will change.

I also hope that 2009 will afford me the opportunity to travel a bit to celebrate my graduation from college, and catch up with some family and friends that I haven't been able to visit for a long time. I'm planning a cruise for a graduation celebration. I would also like to do a long weekend in Las Vegas with some friends from out of state. Most importantly though, I really want to make the time to see my Dad, who I haven't seen in at least 7 years, so a trip to Oregon is in order.

So, I think this is a lot to accomplish in one year, five big goals, and of course numerous smaller ones. I hope that I'm able to really focus my energies and get these things rolling. I hope everyone, myself included, has a happy and productive New Year!

I LOVE Christmas Music!!

2008-12-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm that person who doesn't mind listening to Christmas music for months straight, well actually, I don't just not mind it, I love it! (Yeah, I know, I'm that person everyone else hates) I was the girl in choir who wasn't even remotely bothered that we were singing Christmas music from October until January. I just never get tired of it, I could probably listen to it all year. I might even love Christmas music more than everything else about this season. I, of course, love the reasons why we celebrate this time of year, why we are kinder to others and focus on the true spirit behind the season, but for me, Christmas music embodies all of those wonderful things. I love the familiarity of the traditional old Christmas carols. It makes me feel like a child again, when all of the thoughts about Christmas and Santa Claus truly were magical and so exciting! My boyfriend finds this endearing about me (or so he says), and that more people should feel the way I do. I think he's just being nice...

I truly love the Christmas season though. If it weren't so cold outside, it might be my favorite time of year. I really enjoy buying gifts for my loved ones and trying to surprise them and make them happy. I love all of the cooking and baking that goes on. I always hope for a white Christmas, even though I am usually disappointed. I love to see everyone wearing their sweaters and scarfs and hats. I love putting up the tree, and those peaceful moments when you can just sit in front of the twinkling lights and relax. (I don't like taking the tree down, but then, that's after Christmas) I love that my favorite animal is a big feature of this time of year: penguins! I find it hysterical to see my cat under the tree, trying to play with her gifts through their packaging, or peeking out from a very sneaky hiding place. And I love that it means that a new year and a fresh start are coming.

So, call me crazy, but I love Christmas-time! And this time of year would mean so much less to me without the soundtrack of the season.

Here's a picture of my very own tree, my first tree, covered in penguin ornaments!

Sheba

2008-12-21T18:08:00.013-07:00

I just finished reading Marley and Me, crying my eyes out like a big baby. It's a good read, it had me frequently and uncontrollably laughing out loud, until the end. While I probably would have cried reading this no matter what, it reminded me painfully of Sheba, who died six months ago.
I've been wanting to write about Sheba for several months now, but I never really want to drudge up the painful memories of her death. It was the last thing that I was able to write in my journal, and I stopped halfway through, in tears, and haven't resumed the writing since. So, I feel prompted to give her a little tribute, though unlike Marley, Sheba was never really a bad dog, in fact she was generally excellently behaved, although she had her quirks.

Sheba was a black miniature poodle, and I brought her home on April Fool's Day 1992, I was ten. I had picked her out of her litter of three puppies (after begging my Mom for months for a puppy) because the breeders said, "If you want a cuddler and one that will let you hold her and baby her, she's the one." They couldn't have been more right about that. Sheba always needed and wanted constant physical affection or just connection-she nearly always had to be touching a person at all times (until old age), which was at times wonderful and endearing and at other times, enough to drive anyone crazy. But she was perfect for a ten year old girl: I dressed her up, painted her nails, wrapped her in blankets, made her lay in a baby cradle for hours on end, and even had her drinking water from a baby bottle.

She was unbelievably smart, even for a poodle. She was housebroken quickly and never destroyed anything. She easily learned commands and tricks and had a wide vocabulary of human words that she knew and understood. She was fast, like lightening as a puppy- and would dash off at the slightest opportunity. From day one at home (her first bite of table food was a single pinto bean) she generally refused to eat dog food for meals, she reserved her always available dog food for an after dinner chaser, like after dinner mints, when she had given up hope of receiving anymore people food. This eventually progressed to her being served her own plate of whatever was for dinner that night, and her begging and stalking of the kitchen whenever she determined that it was dinner time grew worse throughout her life.

She would dramatically snatch up whatever you told her you, or worse, the cat, "were gonna get" and refuse to relinquish the items, regardless of what they were. One time this included a fully wrapped ice cream sandwich that my Mom was teasing her with, and another time a full roll of quarters. Sheba loved stuffed animals, the smaller ones for "babies" and the larger ones for illicit activities, if they were white, she was in 7th heaven. She truly loved her "babies" too, and would lick them and play with them for hours. She had a hideous and huge stuffed turkey (picture Gobbles from South Park) that was larger than she was that she would drag around by it's scraggly neck, it was carefully confiscated and disposed of, but she missed that turkey for a long time after it was gone. My stuffed, huge, white Klondike and Snow bears were a favorite target for her to steal off of my bed, any chance she got. One in particular- a little neon dinosaur- was receiving an exuberant shaking while she was playing with it, until it's leg was ripped off. Sheba was horrified by what she had done to "Dino," and from that time on she refused to ever look at him again, even after I sewed his leg back on. She always came to greet you, frantically searching for the nearest "baby" or random toy to show you (not give you), frequently peeing with excitement. She would grin too, pulling back her lips to show all of her teeth when she was happy or excited- or forced to eat a dropped salt and vinegar potato chip that had to be eaten, since the cat might be interested in it.

The word "biscuit" could not be uttered in her presence, unless you intended to deliver on that statement. Her favorite "biscuits" were, naturally, the most expensive dog jerky treat at the store and were not negotiable. She never went outside, to go potty or go bye-bye or just wander around, without receiving one upon returning home.

Even though I don't think I was ever truly her favorite family member, though she loved all of us, she preferred my Mom or Aunt, she knew that she was mine, and would never disobey a command that I issued- even when released from it from someone else, until I gave the okay. This included sitting the corner, nose to the wall, in time out- for inordinately long periods of time (horrible, I know, but I was ten and clearly teaching my dog a lesson). Despite being fairly well disciplined, Sheba was horribly spoiled by all of the family. She slept in bed, under the covers, with her head on a pillow, with whomever she wanted every night. She begged and received food-including desserts- from everyone. And would insist on extended belly rubs whenever given the opportunity, scratching and pulling your hand back to do it's job if you tried to quit too soon. This behavior, of flopping over onto her back, legs splayed, scratching at arms and hands, refusing to move like a lead weight, was confusing to some outside of the family. It prompted one dog groomer to tell us that something was wrong with her, "she just kept falling over and laying on her back." This woman was clearly not a dog owner, any idiot should have known the code for "rub my belly." She baffled outsiders with some of her behaviors though, not just the groomer. When she was at the vet hospital after having emergency surgery to remove her infected uterus, she refused to eat, and they refused to let her come home until she did so. The office called and spoke to my Mom, clearly worried about her refusal to eat. They had tried everything, dry food, wet food, even trying to force it into her little mouth- she came home with food smeared all over her little face from their attempts. My Mom laughed at this and asked what they were trying to feed her? They of course responded with "dog food," to which my Mom replied, "Well did anyone offer her a sandwich?," this was of course common sense to us. Problem solved. They called back and reported that she could come home now, she had successfully eaten a sandwich.

Sheba also knew how to hold a grudge. Once, when running down the stairs, she tripped and tumbled down the last few steps. My Mom and Aunt saw this, and laughed. Sheba was embarrassed and never forgot that they had laughed at her. From that day on, whenever she got mad at my Aunt (or was left alone for too long) her choice spot to poop was in that Aunt's bedroom. Her intense stares could also guilt this same Aunt into getting off of the couch to get her people food outside of mealtimes, just to make the staring stop. Always human-like, Sheba was also no stranger to jealously. Mainly this was targeted at the cat, but also at anyone animal or human, who might take any of her attention. One Christmas both she and the cat got new beds. Regardless of the fact that she had just gotten a new bed, Sheba was jealous that the cat had gotten one. In retaliation for this, she crammed herself into the too-tiny cat bed (clearly uncomfortable) and refused to get out of it, simply so that the cat couldn't lay in it.

This is Sheba, on her own new Christmas bed, at her last Christmas.

It was very hard to see Sheba age. By the time she died she was mostly, if not completely deaf. Her eyes were clouded with cataracts and most of her teeth were gone. She was chubby, grayed, and moved stiffly after lying down for long periods of time. But, even though she clearly showed her age, she still had bursts of energy when she wanted to play and she was always up for receiving constant affection. I know that every dog owner feels that their pet is unique, but I don't think there has ever been another dog like Sheba. She was truly a family member to us, and it's still difficult for us to not talk to her like she's sitting beside us.

A few days before her death Sheba became increasingly sick, quickly. She was having difficulty breathing, and maintained an odd, strange posture with her neck extended to help her breathe- or gasp, really. She refused to eat or drink- even people food, including ice cream- and couldn't lie down because it made breathing more difficult. My Aunts and I took her to the vet, and though we were expecting bad news, we were crushed to hear that she was in heart failure. I couldn't bear to make the decision to put her to sleep then, I couldn't help but feel that I would be murdering her. I decided, as a last ditch effort, to try antibiotics, steroids and a diuretic, to be sure that it wasn't a lung infection, as there was fluid on her lungs- a side effect of the heart failure, and the cause of her breathing difficulties. This also bought some time for us. Initially, Sheba rallied with the steroids and diuretic, with the fluid off of her lungs she was able to breathe easily and seemed like her old self. However, one or two days later, her condition was the same, if not worse. It was definitely not an infection, and now I was faced with making the hard decision. I simply couldn't let her suffer and felt cruel for trying to keep her here, after over 16 years, I had to have her put to sleep.

I had dreaded this moment for years, always hoping that she would die peacefully in her sleep of old age, even crying at the thought of this day. My Aunts and my boyfriend and I said our goodbyes and took some final pictures of her at home, and then we all accompanied her to the vet. We were all with her, crying and petting her, as she went to sleep.

As strange as it sounds, in many ways, Sheba's death was more difficult for me than my Mother's. Not that it was any less painful, but I think it's because I did not make the decision to end my Mother's life. Even driving to the vet for the last time I was still having second thoughts, when her breathing seemed to ease as I was holding her in my lap, sobbing. I could never give up the feeling that I was making the wrong choice, or the hope that maybe, somehow she would get better.

This is the day before Sheba died, while she was rallying from the medications, I wanted a last picture of us smiling together, even if it wasn't real.

Sheba was an amazing little spirit, and I don't think I will ever stop missing her. Just the thought of having to go through a similar experience ever again makes me balk at the idea of having another dog. I could go on forever, recounting stories about her, but they're probably only funny and worth hearing time and again to my family and myself. Regardless, Sheba's 16+ years of love, entertainment, and annoyances deserve to be remembered. She was there with me from elementary school through college, and through many life changes, including the loss of my Mom. I think she left a lasting impression on everyone who really knew her, including my much loved cat, who loved to beat up on and chase and be chased by her dog, and came running at the sound of Sheba's collar tags tinkling on a video recording of her that we were watching after Sheba was gone, still looking for her sister. As painful as the loss is, I hope that everyone will, at some point in their life, have the opportunity to love and be loved by a four-legged person like Sheba, one that truly becomes a member of the family and leaves a permanent hole when they leave us because of the ways that they permeate your entire heart and life.

A family picture. My Aunts and I, with Sheba, before taking her to the vet on her last day with us.

Worried

2008-12-17T14:14:00.002-07:00

I may have to leave a job I like very much, because of school. I'm freaking out about this at the moment. I typically work Tuesdays and Thursdays (and other days as needed) at the doctors' office, which is my main source of income. These days are our "busy" days, and we see probably 60-75% of our patient load on those days. The unfortunate part is that my last semester of college is quickly approaching, and I've been putting off these last classes until the very last second (obviously), but now ALL of the remaining classes that I need to take to graduate are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So there it is. I can't and shouldn't put off graduating to keep a job, I know this. Even a job where I love my co-workers so much! The reality that this would probably mean the loss of this job caused me so much stress that I was just about ready to throw up all day just thinking about telling my manager (who is also a good friend).

I'm hoping against hope that this will work out somehow. That I can change my schedule for just the 4 short months of this last semester (16 weeks, actually), and that I can work full-time once I graduate until I start nursing school. I don't have a good feeling about this, which is why I'm so worried. I hope that I don't have to find another job. Not that this job is perfect, nothing really is of course. But I really do love the people I work with, and we have some of the most fantastic patients, that I would really miss too. Of course, in my mind, I'm already trying to think of trying to find other work and what I will do, just in case. I've even offered to come in on our busy mornings until I have to leave for classes, mid-morning, but I'm not sure if this idea went over very well either...

Any ideas?

My Birthday

2008-12-12T18:36:00.002-07:00

My birthday came, and went, in a haze of school work. It was the 10th, and my last day of final exams. I woke up early to finish a paper- ran it down to campus to turn it in, then came home and frantically studied for my exam that afternoon- took my exam, and then came home and worked on my last paper until 3 am to finish it on time. What a fun day! I did take a break for a couple of hours to eat dinner and chocolate cupcakes with my aunts and boyfriend and open a few presents. Pretty low-key for me.

Daniel and I will go out later in the next week or two to really celebrate, and by that, I mean go out to a nice dinner where I can probably eat a steak ;)

I must say though, the closer that this number creeps toward 30, the more freaked out I get! I just haven't done/accomplished all of the things I thought I would have by this point in my life. I guess that things will happen when they happen, not necessarily on my time-line.

Graduation

2008-12-12T17:50:00.005-07:00

Whew! My semester from hell is over! I hope the next one is better, or at least not as bad! With schedule changes in various syllabi I wound up having 4 major research papers plus final exams all fall within 6 days of each other, what a nightmare. Everything got submitted in the end though, and not too much was late.

I went in the week before finals to discuss GRADUATION with my advisor, and assuming I don't bomb any finals or otherwise mysteriously fail to pass my classes, I'm on track to graduate in May! I can't even believe that I'm 12 credit hours away from graduation, 4 more classes and I'm done! This has been such a long time in coming that it's almost too surreal to believe.

College has been a much harder road than I anticipated, not because the classes themselves have been difficult, but just because so much life has gotten in the way. When I started college in the fall of 2000 (I know, this has taken forever) I was a vocal music education major at the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley. I did that for almost two years, until I was in a major car accident in March of 2002. That accident caused me to move back home so that I could recover. So during all of this I took a few classes at Metro State to keep going, but not a full schedule. When I was finally ready to return to UNC in Greeley, about a year later, my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. So, I stayed in Lakewood and took care of her doing home hospice care until she died, nearly a year later. While she was sick, I kept taking a few classes, again, just to keep making progress, but nothing full-time. After her death, I did finally take a little time off to just regroup and try to get myself together. Unfortunately, by the time all of this had taken place, my full scholarship had exceeded it's time limit and now I would have to pay for school. This was unfortunate, but I'm glad that I made the choice to be with my Mom. I've had time since for school, while the time we had together was limited. So, I was finally ready to go back to school full-time, but now I also had to work full-time, so I've essentially maintained the very minimum course load to qualify as a full-time student, which also didn't save me any time.

Along the way, with all of this, I decided that music wasn't really where my heart was any longer, I decided that I wanted to get a bachelor's degree in Psychology, and start fulfilling the extra courses required to prepare for medical school. Well, now, after many extra classes, I've also decided that medical school is not for me. While I would love to have all of that knowledge, and the ability to practice obstetrics in the fullest possible way, I've realized that I don't agree in many ways with the biomedical model of care. But, from my work experience- and life-long obsession with babies and pregnant women- I do know that I definitely want to work in the women's healthcare field. I've decided that after getting my first Bachelor's degree, which will be a BA in Psychology, I am going to apply to nursing school for a second Bachelor's degree of science in nursing. I'm hoping to get into an accelerated one-year program. The accelerated programs are very intense (a whole 2nd Bachelor's degree in one year!), and expensive, but the trade-off for having zero life for one year is being done quickly. I think I can live with that-or at least survive it!

I think that nursing will be a good fit for me, personality-wise. I feel like I'm really good at working with patients and I easily form bonds with patients-maybe it's just that I currently get work with amazing women as patients. I also would like to work with fewer time constraints than physicians have, so that I can spend more time directly with patients. I think that nursing will provide a schedule much more conducive to having a family, which is definitely a priority for me. I really feel like nursing will provide me with an avenue to truly help others. When considering medicine, I was always interested in volunteering abroad, like with Doctors Without Borders, and nursing will allow me to do these things too. Eventually, maybe right away, or maybe a few years down the road, I would like to pursue a master's degree in Midwifery, so that I can finally do what I've wanted to do since I was 10 years old- deliver babies.

So, almost nine years in the making, I'm on the cusp of getting my Bachelor's degree. I'm proud of myself for sticking to this, despite everything that life has thrown my way during that time, and a little surprised that I didn't just give up- that would have certainly been easier at times. I will be the first one in my immediate family (and most of my extended family) to earn a college degree, which I'm also very proud of! It's hard to believe that my first college journey will be over in five months- just 32 days of classes left to attend (yes, I counted).

I'm so excited to be done! To finally feel like I've accomplished something!

Then on to more school, *sigh*, I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment...

Race to the Finish Line

2008-12-08T20:22:00.003-07:00

Holy cow! I can't believe it's been a month since I've written anything. It has really been one heck of a month, I've got a lot to go back and catch up on. The election!!! My pending graduation!!! My rapidly approaching birthday! My first Thanksgiving!

More than anything right now I'm just fighting sleep deprivation and constant stress. The semester is coming to a screeching halt and I'm frantically trying to catch up to it. I can honestly say, that to date, I've never had such a rough semester. That may of course be due to the fact that I wound up with 4 major research papers, plus final exams, all happening within less than one week of each other. Did I plan ahead? No. Should I have planned ahead and maybe started at least one paper early? Definitely. But, well, that's not really my style. I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of researcher! I'll admit that this is not the best strategy, but I always wind up with an "A," so I guess the mild heart attacks along the way pay off in the end. It has really helped to have an understanding and helpful boyfriend- from looking up references to frequently fetching take-out food, and just being quiet, Daniel has been an asset through all of this stress. In the mean time, for everyone else who has been wondering about me not answering my phone or the incredibly brief phone calls, my last final exam is on my birthday! Lucky me!! I should resurface then. Until then, anyone shopping for me can get me a timeturner.

Anxiety

2008-11-03T20:49:00.002-07:00

I am ready to go crazy over all of this election nonsense! I have never been so invested in a presidental candidate or campaign as I have been currently. I have made sure to vote in every election that I have been eligible to, and have been terribly disappointed by the results of those previous elections. This is nothing to what I will feel tomorrow if my candidate loses. I actually really believe that he will win, but I have learned through experience not to doubt the power of stupidity and ignorance.

If Barack Obama does not become our next President, I truly fear for the future of this country. I honestly don't think that I can stand another four or more years under a republican presidency... I may look into emigration.

Go vote!!! Good luck Barack!!

Trying to muster the energy...

2008-10-14T22:36:00.002-06:00

I read plenty of self-improvement stuff, but I don't usually put these great suggestions into action. Not that I don't want to, it's just so time consuming! Right now there are so many things on my plate that I want to change that I'm really not sure where to even begin.

Drink more water. Exercise everyday, or at least 4-5 days out of the week. Get enough sleep. Go to bed at a regular, and reasonable time. Get up at the same (early) time every day. Stop napping. Eat healthier. Eat smaller portions. Cook more at home- eat out less. Keep my condo clean and organized. Go to all of my classes. Do my homework on time, do some every day. Write in my journal every day, or at least regularly. And on and on...

So, maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself- or maybe I'm incredibly inept at running my own life? I'm not sure. But I'm a perfectionist. This works both for me and against me. I do things really well, but I don't like to do them unless I know I can do really well. I'm a huge procrastinator. I'm also fairly lazy if left to my own devices- I would much rather do something fun and unproductive than exert myself needlessly.

So, I'm just generally stressed out and I feel like my "to-do" list never gets shortened. I keep wanting to get started on an exercise program, but always am finding excuses to not start today. I have too much homework, or a test at school this week. I'm too tired. I want to sleep in when I have the chance. Same thing with my dieting- I'm too tired to cook today, I'll eat healthy starting next week. I've decided I just need to suck it up and get on with it. Obviously, life isn't going to get any easier, I'm never going to find extra time. I have to make it.

So, back to the self-help reading. I read all sorts of diet and exercise info, research, etc. Some say to just focus on making one change at a time to turn it into a habit. But this hasn't really worked out for me so far, I kind of lose focus and forget what I was working on and then change focus. So, other research says that you have a better chance of making multiple changes- major changes- all at once. You have better odds of having at least a few of them stick for the long-term. So, starting tomorrow, this is what I'm tackling. I will get up early and go to the gym before class, then I will go to all of my classes, and on, and on...

Politics

2008-10-04T14:24:00.002-06:00

I am aware that this is a very touchy subject for most people, and understandably so, but I just thought I'd put my own philosophies out there in the universe; hopefully, they will prompt someone else to think of such things and maybe just start to make things better here. I know that this is a big order to fill~ I'm just hoping! *Warning: this is my longest post to date- but I've just got to get this out there* To a lot of people my personal/religious views (which are VERY conservative) are sort of conflicting with political views that are, well, pretty liberal. I can understand this, but please also understand that I believe SUPREMELY that this nation was founded on the separation of church and state; and that, as such, my religious views and personal decisions are just that, mine. I believe that my religious views have no part in politics and that they *while they dictate my life choices* should not dictate others', I would like the same respect in turn; religion is religion and politics are politics. So on this general principle I feel like the conservative right dominating a political party is wrong. I also feel with all of my heart that the Democratic party's view/position is just so much more socially responsible.

While my leanings are not entirely Democratic, in the last three elections at least, this has been the lesser of two evils for me. For instance, while I know some people are afraid of socialism, I believe that my country would not be in the dire position that it is in if the government *as I believe it should* provided (or oversaw) a few basic necessities of life for all of its people: healthcare, energy, and education. I do believe that our government could provide all of these things without dramatically increasing taxes (or potentially without increasing them at all) by simply appropriately spending the money that they do have and eliminating the outrageous waste that does occur. Additionally, while all of these things would initially cost quite a lot of money, over the course of time they would save a tremendous amount more. I'll go on about these three which I think are of paramount importance, although there are many other important issues too.

Healthcare is vital for all people. And more importantly, NO ONE should be denied healthcare or go bankrupt to try to obtain it. I believe that health, good health, is a universal human right, the world has the means and the technology to do this. The current system that we have in place is completely capitalistic and for profit- huge profits, I might add, and that it is truly disgusting. First, if the government controlled healthcare it could keep the costs lower- there would be no price gouging, thus making it more economically feasible. Insurance and pharmaceutical companies make huge profits and control the healthcare market, and insurance in particular, can also choose to deny anyone they see as a risk for costing them money. By having the entire population have equal access to healthcare, people could obtain adequate access to preventative care, which is far more cost effective than emergency care and high level care required to treat simple conditions that have escalated into true medical emergencies simply because they were not treated in a timely manner. Plus, research shows that people who receive regular preventative healthcare have better overall health.

Many countries with these sort of medical, dental and pharmaceutical plans in place have been a great success- see some of the documentaries I have recommended. I have personally spoken with people from England (and visited countries with these great systems), including healthcare providers, who advocate this as a great thing. Everyone is taken care of! Everyone receives the same, good quality care! Imagine that! Many people argue that they would begin to receive substandard care under such a system or have to wait months to be seen or to have essential surgeries or other procedures, but this is simply not true. First, all of our existing doctors would not just disappear and be replaced by new "government" doctors- they would still be here, doing their jobs, I'm sure, just as they always have. And lets be honest- when it's not an emergency, how quickly do you get in for a doctor's appointment now? I had to wait almost 3 months for a dermatology appointment this summer and it's usually at least 2 months out for a regular visit with my gynecologist. I work for physicians- when you are having an elective surgery, it is scheduled based upon the surgeon's schedule and the hospital's availability. But if you go into the hospital having a heart attack, they don't even check you in, you are seen immediately (because that takes priority over someone with a minor complaint). How long do you usually wait to be seen at the emergency room? Maybe if people could go to their primary physician when they were sick (because they didn't have to worry about not being able to afford it) they wouldn't clog our hospitals for common health concerns and they could operate more efficiently. This is no different than it is in any other country with free universal healthcare. And, in case anyone wasn't aware, Americans' health isn't that great. We don't even rank in the top 25 of developed nations for life expectancy, and we have poorer health and more chronic health problems, I personally think that for such a great nation that this is inexcusable, we can and should do better.

I personally, having experienced a major health crisis with my mother when she had lung cancer, remember the stress and the financial burden of something so terrible. Trying to find ANY insurance that would cover her, and then being charged over $500 per month in premiums for just her! And being told at the oncologists office that just one particular bag of chemotherapy medicine was $13,000! Just one, and she was receiving multiple medicines at one time. Or going to the pharmacy to pick up her prescriptions and having a 10 day supply of medicine cost over $300- $30 per pill!!! This is really criminal, and for many people it is life or death- what if it were you, or your mother, or your child?

I also strongly feel that if the government controlled our energy supply that the nation would be better off as a whole. Compare the prices you were paying for gas before George W. Bush became president, and now- does it cost you more to heat your home too? Now, while I dislike Bush, he is not the sole cause of these problems, but his oil policies have not made things any better for us. I think we need to incorporate several energy and transportation methods into the solution to this problem. While we definitely need to make use of the technology we have and implement more wind, solar and water power; I think the best and cheapest option we have available is nuclear power. We now have the technology to do this well, it's clean and unlike the past we can minimize problems. Nuclear energy scares many people, but we are far beyond the Chernobyl days. We have the open space in this country to relatively isolate plants and the technology to make them very safe. Nuclear energy is so much more cost effective, what costs us $30 a month now, we could get for $3 a month- and it doesn't pollute like gas does. We also need to repair and ramp up our train system. It is so much more cost effective to transport goods by train than by semi-truck, at least for long distances. Along the same lines, I think that every metropolitan city, or even every city with more than 75-100,000 people needs to have an excellent public transportation system in place, whether that be subways or trains.

And last, but certainly not least, the one that's hurting most of us the most right now- GAS. Wow, we really need to fix this one quickly! First, we're spending a ton of money rebuilding Iraq and they have a huge financial surplus, while we have a huge deficit. They should be repaying us for our services with their only commodity, which they have a ton of- oil- period. We should not be doing this for free, and we are the only, or one of the only, countries left doing so. Also, we should be using what oil deposits we have. I care very much about our environment, and want to keep it beautiful- I'm an Alaskan by birth and absolutely want that beautiful place to be preserved (along with all of our country's beautiful places), but we also have the ability now to extract our oil without destroying the environment around us- it just needs to be done responsibly.

As a student, education is a very important issue to me. I am working four part-time jobs to pay my living expenses (which are fairly modest) and have to take out student loans for tuition to put myself through school. This is not easy, in fact, it is one of the most difficult things that I have ever done, but I think that the value of a college education is very high and the reward of a career that can adequately support myself and my future family (if need be) is worth this temporary sacrifice. I am also aware how many people never have this opportunity, or never take it because of the sacrifices that it entails. I think that education is something, like healthcare, that should be a basic human right. Everyone benefits from education individually, and society benefits from an educated populace. While my focus is mainly on making college affordable for all, this extends to all levels of education, which are sadly under par in this nation. I think that all state run institutions should be free, as a university education is in France, for example. Of course, if someone has the means to pay for an expensive private education or higher degrees, that's great, but a basic education, from pre-school on, including a bachelors degree shouldn't cause people $30-60,000 in debt.

How much better would your life be if you never had to worry about how to pay for your healthcare, especially if something catastrophic were to happen to you or a family member? Or if you could afford to go to college and didn't leave school with thousands of dollars of student loan debt hanging over your head? How much more productive would our society be if people were healthier and better educated? What about heating or cooling your home without fear that you can pay the rest of your bills, or that you can actually afford to travel to and from your job, so that you can afford to keep paying those bills? While I, like most Americans, feel that the government is already taking too much of my small paychecks, I would willingly have more taken out to have the security and equality that these measures would offer. I know that these changes are not likely to happen without some sort of revolution taking place, but I for one will continue to hope that someone else will realize the potential and good that would come from these things. Our country will quickly become a third-world nation if our middle class cannot afford to survive. We will have the very few rich and the rest living in poverty. We are living, now, more than half a century later with New Deal policies and politics (which were revolutionary and great for their time!), which no longer address our society's realities. Big change is needed for us to stay afloat, I'm just afraid that the nation is too afraid of the changes it will take.

Please get out there and register to vote! And then show up on election day and make changes happen!

WOW

2008-10-03T22:00:00.000-06:00

I really can't believe that this person is a consideration for ANY government position, much less Vice President- and given John McCain's health record and age- lets be honest, she's one small step away from the real thing! I will admit, she did better than I expected in the Vice Presidential debate, but, then again, should the mere fact that she didn't screw up be considered a success? I don't think so. And, incidentally, she spent most of the debate talking about herself and trying to be as cute and folksy as possible- and I, for one, don't find it to be a positive or down to earth quality I want in a leader, I want someone who can be a professional and is actually well-spoken.

Here is a clip of her recent interview with Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News:

Watch CBS Videos Online

I also strongly suggest you watch Tina Fey's spot-on impersonation on Saturday Night Live's website- it's hilarious and eerily accurate!

Food for Thought

2008-09-23T22:01:00.003-06:00

I have been very moved by a few documentaries, and they are films that I wish everyone would see. For me, some of them have been educational, informative and mind broadening, others have been life-changing. All of them are biased in some way or another, though some are more objective than others- but, as humans, we wouldn't tell any story unless we were motivated to do so for some personal reason, they are enjoyable to watch all the same.

1. SICKO, a documentary about the deplorable state of healthcare in the U.S. and comparisons to other countries. Watch the special features on the DVD! This film literally made me want to pack it all up and get the heck out of this country.

2. THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN, a documentary again about healthcare, but this time focusing on the care of childbearing women. WOW- eye opening!

3. SALUD!, a documentary again (I know) about healthcare, but this time looking at Cuba's amazing success at providing healthcare for all of its people, with a very limited budget. Also their outreach programs. If they can do it on so little money, ANY country can.

4. SUPERSIZE ME, a lighter hearted *sort of * documentary about the downside of the habit of eating fast food, and what it can potentially do to our health. Shocking (we all know it's not good for us, but this was a smack in the head) again- watch the special features for some additional truly surprising experiments. I completely swore off of all fast food for at least a month after watching this, which was a huge effort for me to do.

This list is not exhaustive, but a few that stand out to me. I have seen many other great, educational documentaries, I just can't think of them to add right now. Do you have any must-sees?

Religion

2008-09-20T09:00:00.002-06:00

For those of you who don't know, I'm LDS (or Mormon). I have been since I was fourteen, so about thirteen years now, almost half of my life. I totally and completely believe the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and that Joseph Smith is/was a true prophet of God. But I have had some real difficulties in practicing/living these beliefs and all that being a member of the Church entails.

First, I'm basically the only member of the church in my family- technically, my oldest brother has been baptized too, but he (I think) adheres only to what he wants, and so it's not a supportive connection. In the Mormon faith, this is both unusual and makes things a little difficult. The church is VERY family focused and really places a high value on family- which I love! However, I kind of feel like I'm floating alone in that Mormon sea, with no family support to help me make the right choices or to set an example for me (not that I don't know what the right choices are, it's just hard when most of your family doesn't understand your religious views, and doesn't want to). Plus, it makes going to church, alone, a little awkward.

Since my first ward split, where I felt very loved, supported and included, I have really struggled to live the gospel and even just attending on Sundays has been really difficult. Since then, most of the people that helped support me and my new faith have sort of drifted out of my life. Needless to say, this has made my teenage and college years, a little difficult. I haven't always made the right choices and I've had to go through some really difficult events in my life without that support from my church "family." With such a lack of support, or really any contact with my religious community for literally, years now, it seems like it would be easier to just walk away and not worry about it anymore. But, I just can't turn my back on something that I know to be true, and that when I'm actively living these principles, makes me truly happy.

I've tried, off and on, since my "home" ward split to attend various wards and I've never found a place that has felt like home, or anyone who truly reaches out to me to try to bring me in and make me feel included. This has been especially hard since my mother's death, I think that in the four and a half years since her passing, I have literally only attended church once or twice- which I feel terrible about, but also kind of afraid to throw myself out there again. Also, I'm very embarrassed to have the church members that I do have occasional contact with to know that I'm not active, even though I want to be.

To further complicate matters, I now have a job where I have to work every Sunday, a situation that, without quitting, I'm not sure I can change. But the biggest roadblock for me right now is my boyfriend, who is not Mormon, not that he opposes my faith in any way, or me practicing it; but the truth of the matter is that me practicing my faith would change our relationship in so many ways that I'm pretty sure I would wind up losing him. This is something very hard for me to even think of, he has been with me through some very hard times in my life and has really become my best friend. I can envision marrying him very easily, I love him and his family completely, except that he's not LDS. I wish that he could open himself to the gospel, because I really believe that if he did, he would learn for himself that it is true, but he is very opposed to religion in general- and I don't want him to be baptized only for me, as that would not accomplish what I really want.

I really strongly feel that it is vital for spouses to be on the same page religiously/morally, etc. to raise a family together, and this is a common foundation that I've always held as an ideal for myself in marriage. I come from a family with divorced parents and I don't want that to be the life I lead. Mormon marriages, and in turn, families are some of the strongest and happiest I've ever seen, and I desperately want that for myself (I'm not saying that they're perfect, or that non-Mormons can't be happy or have good families, it's just something that I've observed). I'm sadly afraid that this will be the breaking point, eventually, in my current relationship- I truly hope that it won't be.

For now, I'm slowly trying to work toward getting back to church, where I'd like to be, but I feel like I have to ride out some of these life situations that are preventing me from doing so (like being able to survive financially without working on Sundays). I hope that, when I have the courage to jump back in fully (and pay the price for mistakes I've made, repentance is never easy) that I find the support I need to make the transition easier. Wish me luck...

Health and Such

2008-09-19T15:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I've been trying to lose weight and get into better shape for a while now- four or five years really, but actively since March when I joined Weight Watchers. I do really well for a few weeks, then sort of fall off the wagon, gain back a little, and then get re-motivated to start again. Ultimately, I'd like to lose 50-60 lbs, but I realize this will take some serious dedication, and exercise in addition to dieting. My college student and work schedules generally leave me exhausted, so I usually don't want to cook dinner, so... fast food + being exhausted (and not really enjoying exercise) = poor eating habits and not nearly enough exercise. But, I'm working on it. I've lost a total of 11 lbs so far.

To complicate matters, and scare the crap out of me, my doctor told me in August that I'm pre-diabetic in addition to my slow thyroid problems. So, even more incentive to really commit to losing weight. If I can lose the weight then I may prevent diabetes all together, or at least put it way off into the future (and reduce my risk for heart disease which often co-occurs with diabetes. Lucky me, I have a strong family history for both!). The downside is the medication that I'm taking to help aid my weight-loss and control my blood sugar- Metformin ER- makes me feel rotten: nauseous, headachy, tired, and swinging from extreme hunger to no appetite. So, I really feel like heading to the gym feeling this way!

Hmm... That might be depressing enough for today :) It can only get better from here, right?

Off to a slow start

2008-09-18T22:03:00.002-06:00

Well, so much for writing on this thing frequently! Summer school came and went, and I did well. And then the Fall semester started, and it is kicking my butt! I can't ever remember having so much work to do- EVER. But, maybe I'm just feeling the pressure more since this is my LAST year- woohoo!!!! So, no room for do-overs or failure, which is a little scary, at least if I actually want to graduate in May- and I am desperate to do so. On top of the crazy school schedule, since May I've been working not one, not two, but four part-time jobs! And to really top the cake, one of my classes requires a volunteer work project too! So, needless to say, I'm ready to pull my hair out, and most days wind up taking a nap to cope with the stress and just not knowing where to start. I have quite a lot that is happened in the last few months that I would like to go back and catch up about writing on, but that will happen as time allows.

Here I go...

2008-05-26T16:38:00.000-06:00

Well, as I've spent many of my recent waking hours absorbed in other people's blogs, I thought I'd give this thing a shot. Not sure yet what direction I'd like to go, so I'll see how this evolves!

A note on the name: Snippet

As I sat blankly staring around, trying to think of something meaningful that would sum up me, I discovered that there isn't anything that would. At least not one singular thing- I'm a little bothered that this small task was so difficult...

So, I tried to think of something catchy, something no one else has named their blog yet, something random- since I can't seem to describe myself in one word. So, Snippet bounced into my head and- being the dork that I am- I looked it up: Snippet: a small piece of something. That actually works for me! Physically, of course (for anyone who knows me). But also it doesn't really tie me down to much- it feels a little freeing. I see this as kind of a personal outlet, a journal, a place to rant, whatever I want really- without having to worry about what anyone else thinks about what I have to say (which I tend to do very often).

I'm still not sure I want anyone who actually knows me to know about this blog~ again, I guess I'll see how this evolves.